In My Mind

I have to be bigger than this...the whispers in the shadows can't get under my skin anymore.  Or at least, I shouldn't let them.
 
Bless.

I know that an emotion is real when I am surprised by it.

Odd, right? Like, I feel these tears slipping from my eyes and I think "what's this...dammit! I just had a feeling...what tha HELL."

It's not that I don't want the feelings, or that I can't feel them...I just spend so much time looking out for myself that when something does waft to the surface, I am caught totally unawares. I am too busy providing you (and more poignantly, myself) with the image that I could care less, but that would require more effort than it's worth, so I can't even be bothered to expend that much energy in caring even less than I already do...sigh I am already bored with this conversation...see what I mean? Well, you maybe get my drift.

Sometimes I feel dead inside until a song comes on, it enters my body as easily as air, sustenance that consumes me, instead of I it. As it flushes my cells with sound and light, it becomes whatever I need it to be at that time. So many times it is the next breath that I need to take, the next step that I can't seem to put my foot forward into.

I could not be me without those notes, each singular one, and the whole that they create. But I could not be me without the silence, either.

This will never be easy.

I see my life in fragments. Physically represented by the no doubt thousands by now scraps of paper that I have accumulated, bits of writing that I can only start and never finish. Words and thoughts and phrases and rhymes and dialogue and ideas...all little atoms of my soul that I can't seem to bind together. I constantly feel like I need to find whatever it is that will make the notes a song, the words a story, the atoms a physical being that I can see. At least in my mind's eye.

And I think that I will...and I don't think that I have been searching in the wrong places...I think that more than anything else, I just need to be me and that's it. I am searching for a reason, and I like that. I think it would be settling if I wasn't still looking at this point.

Just like that

He said, "I knew the first time I met you, when I shook your hand.  It was so cold, and you were trying so hard to be professional and act like you care.  I wanted to warm you up, make you relax.  That's all it took."

Because you were too scared to be a part of my life.

That's why.

Ever feel like a fraud? Nodding and smiling like a bobble-head doll, cheeks plasticized and round, eyes vacant as if they have no soul...

Yeah. Me too.

I am my own worst enemy. 
 
And this battle is getting out of hand.

Love

I am so glad that I can say "I love you" to so many amazing people, unabashedly.  all that much better that they love me too, unabashedly.  I am also happy that you became one of those people.  Miss you, excited for you.
 
Love you.

I found it. I found the thread that I have been looking for, and it seems to be the right one. Know how I know?

I cried.

Whenever I pray, I cry. Whenever I see or hear or experience people living their dreams, I cry. Beauty, passion, love. They all make me cry. It's this raw, cleansing feeling, this peace that floods me wholly, just for a few seconds. This all out abandoning of my masks and walls is always good.

Rare. But good.

I Crave Ink

Almost literally itching to write.  Keep writing random thoughts and words down, just want to sit in my cozy little apartment with my pen and paper and immerse myself in these developing currents.  Get completely swept away.  But I can't, and it physically hurts.  I can feel my voice in my throat trying constantly to get out, and it hurts.
 
Solace in this pain, though...at least it means that my voice is still there.

Glutton for Punishment

The cluelessness (feigned or genuine) astounds me.  But what is even more spectacularly astounding is my eager willingness to deal with it. 

Bad

Bad, bad bad, the reaction I just had to some news that I was given.  It was relief over negative news at work for someone else - relief because it didn't directly effect me...I was not "in trouble".
 
This tells me that I am not in a good place - this tells me that I am walking around between these walls waiting for the axe to drop and that is a horrible feeling that I shouldn't be dealing with.  And it's my fault that I am.
 
I don't like the person who is so cowed at this point that she would think like that. 
 
It's just not worth it.

People.

Respect your support staff. Whether you're in a corporate setting, a restaurant, a grocery store...understand that these people are actually the ones who make things run. And run smoothly, so you don't have to worry about it.

Our receptionist is like a ring-leader in a circus. And she is on point; she makes sure of it. She's been at this gig for 20 plus years and knows more about what goes on in this place than we do. When you work with her, not against her because you can't be bothered to defer to her better judgement, she will make sure that you look good and make your life that much easier. When you are running around like an idiot, it's your fault, not hers.

You could not do your fast-paced job without her. So say hello when you walk by, even if you don't need anything. Ask her for things, don't tell her. Communicate with her, don't assume that she doesn't need to know.

This applies to any setting that you are in - it's a team from the bottom up, but those on the "bottom" are just as important as those on the "top." And in the real world, the one where you are not that important, there isn't a bit of difference between "bottom" and "top", except maybe in attitude.

So be respectful. Dammit.

It's as simple as this, here it is
Couldn't spell it out more clearly
There's only today, and the freeway,
And the pain that keeps you near me

The animation, of sinking souls,
Strung along a telephone pole
It's easy to miss

You could circle the earth
The universe
We're shadowed in the same light
It's coming undone
So you run
While I'm circling the drainpipe

An invitation to just forget
Well I'm not finished yet, I got big plans

Cut off the table, hon and do the math
Washed out and faded like a photograph
And I spell out your name across the overpass
It's as simple as that

It's as simple as this
What I miss, I will carry to the last day
Deliver my spark
Through the dark
To the angels in the ashtray
Saturation of hopeless need
But as the asphalt bleeds
Curtains rise and

Someday you'll find me standing in your path
Whether deep in the background of some photograph
And you'll see your name scrawled across the overpass
It's as simple as that

Simple's hard enough now anyway
Simple's hard enough now anyway

Someday you'll find me standing in your path
Somewhere deep in the background of some photograph
And you'll see your name scrawled across the overpass
Someday you'll find me standing in your path
Somewhere deep in the background of some photograph
And you'll see your name scrawled across the overpass
It's as simple as that
Simple's hard enough now anyway
Simple's hard enough now anyway
Simple's hard enough now anyway
Simple's hard enough now anyway

- The Solids

I want to be the next Jane Austen:

"...enduring power of Austen's genius as a writer; he ability to create singular characters who linger in one's imagination, her unparalleled sense of irony and wit, her brilliant dialogue, and her carefully woven plots. At the same time, Austen delivers a satisfying romance...and the sheer happiness of her main characters at the novel's end has its own appeal."

My eyes are leaking.  Hate it when that happens.
 
Oh.  And I think I'm gonna puke.  This is why I don't do emotions...at least why I don't do them well.

Shiver

I just had a little tingle that ran up my back that felt so. good. ...it was like an angel's devilish wing stroked my spine.  It reminded me of purity and lush, deep feelings that pause time.  In a few seconds I felt a rush of fresh air and this deep ache.
 
Stunningly delicious moment.

Quite a feat. What you just did. My edge is so far out there that if you reach it, and push me over it, you at least deserve the applause that you get from the few that stand on the precipice with you.

Welcome, my friend. They say.

Welcome to the club of few who see her turned back, as it sprouts the wings that it needs to surpass the edge, and fly away. Move on, if that's what you need to hear to understand.

This is the stupidest bullshit in the history of bullshit.  Zit on my face and I revert back to the insecure 15 year old who wouldn't look people in the eye and was practically mute (unless incensed or otherwise provoked) so people wouldn't look at her face.
 
Ridiculous.  If nothing else from all of the crap that I have put myself through, I should at least be able to resort to remembering I have a strong backbone and "this too shall pass" and all that jive...I refuse to believe that I have struggled for nothing...

Why?

Why. Am. I. Sitting. In. This. Office. When. The. Sun. Is. Shining. For. The. First. Time. In. Days. And. It. Is. Warm. Outside. For. The. First. Time. In. Months.  ?!?!?
 
Oh yeah.  Because my job has me whipped like a plow mule.  At least that ass gets to be OUTside.