I miss you incredibly. It arrives in waves, rising and falling with my mood or how much I am affected by the idiots around me. I dreamt about you - you were happy and strong, and I was glad that you were there.

This was last night. A few drinks, a ride home from the new impossible, and no possibles on the horizon, and this is where my mentality ended up. Moving right along.

* The following is a note to a friend whose blog I have been reading (not sure if she knows it or not.) Anywho, I tried to post a comment on her blog and, wonder of all wonders, damn thing was too long. So I'm putting it up here. I'm sure some will find this ironic, 'cause really it's what many of you people tell me! *

Sweetie! The fact that you are so hard on yourself is a good and a bad thing! Good in that you realize the personal obstacles you face, but bad in that you are beating the crap outta yourself. Stop it! You are learning life as it rides through everyday ups and downs - that's ok! Figure out what you want, don't want, need, don't need, what works, doesn't work, then understand that you will take one step forward and 5 million back before you get it right sometimes. I don't know what your state of mind is today - but you are sweet, intelligent, beautiful and funny, and you deserve to care for yourself as much as we do! If you ever want to chat, get my email from my monkey, 'k? Sorry for the novella.
P.S. Don't hate me for being all motivational speaker-esque.

Feeling a little deflated. A little like the excited balloon has been relieved of all of its air. Only there was absolutely no reason for the excited balloon to be inflated in the first place. I am definitely fighting the doldrums.

Thought of the day: You have trashy novels, and you have thought-searing literature. Then there's threads and kicks that will fall apart in three days because they are cheap, or the quality clothing that lasts forever. Moving on to slack-ass messengers of laziness, and those that will forever come behind them and carry their iron weight.

Ok now, discuss..

Catch Phrase is a fun game...who knew?
What a smart ten year old!
And guess what? MY FOOT STILL HURTS!

Ahem. I'm feeling very smart right now, nevermind that Jon (thanks, man!) practically drew me a picture to show me how to put my e-mail up (shhhh! Don't tell! I'm pretending to be computer savvy!) And there it is -------> Over there somewheres. So, let the feedback begin! G' night!

"You are not excused from social hour..."

I love you guys!

Oh, and I changed the blog a little. Trying to put my e-mail up there somewhere...a little help?

If I was you, I would hate being like everyone else. Ew.

Late night conversations with another Impossible.
I can't believe I really did that.
Hey, I ran nine miles, busta! Now my foot hurts.
Are ALL people really as awful as they seem?

Just catching y'all up on the week.

*********************

So a few people other than family have been here now *bites inner lip in trepidation* It appears to be all of the good that it can be, and I am glad for the feedback. Thing about it is, (something that I have to work on) is that I come here to vent. Rant. Be vexed. Fuss. Contemplate. Mull over. Ya get the idea. I don't come here when I am in all kinds of a great mood. And I'm thinking that I should. Writing has always been my therapy. It is the tool that I use to plaster things back together inside my head. I'm thinking if I start recognizing the lighter side of me, I can lay off on the melancholy a little bit. Not too much now, I'm not trying to scare myself or anything...I feel that I am being redundant at the moment, and this motivates me to get to the point. From now on, in addition to (b/c I think the manner in which I transcribe my stuff is what makes me unique) the usual "hey world, go find a poker game and leave me alone" attitude, I'm gonna try to start relating some of the funny/bizarre/interesting/breathtaking/great cool wonderful things that happen to me.

And my foot STILL hurts.

I am a lover of fabulous conversations. Ones where neither party is complaining or smack talking or worrying or telling of a recent event, but where a higher level is achieved. Philosophical, if you will. Theoretical, too. Maybe a little bit with the opinions and ideas that are so unique to an individual. Deep breath, and...too the point, Kelly! I had one of those Sat. night. A good old conversation about God that actually made me think.

My attention is evading my control, so I'll be back to this later...oh boy.

The sheer distinction alone
making you stand out
has become the ability
to notice me -
if I smile
you see
that I inhabit the same space.
if you are allowed
an unfiltered angle of my eyes
you might understand
that I am
scared
not mean
uncertain
not aloof
it all comes down
to the fated stars aligning
a siberiean window of being
coughing at the right time
or simply whether or not
I choose to lift my face to meet you

So...Good-bye and stuff. You know, don't you? I mean, don't call me or anything, 'cause then I won't be saying no, and we all know I need to.

"I'll bide my time/ until I find /that you're listening..."

And another thing, while we're at letting go and moving on - stop looking down your nose at me. Assuming the air of "better" b/c you think you have it more together than I do. "I don't know, but whatever...*knowing, mature chuckle*

Just wait. When I do come into myself, there will be no stopping me or questioning my motives. It will be so blatant and in your face, none of y'all will know what hit you.

"Fighting the battle of who could care less..."

From some song that I heard on O-rock...fitting, isn't it?

So I am fed up. Not like, "Kelly's pitching a fit dear God everybody run" fed up, but fed up in the sense that I am over listening to myself speak. Yeah, I know I'm trying to work everything out. Yeah I know that you can talk to your friends (the true ones) until you are blue in the face if you really need to, and they will listen and try to help or just listen and try not to scream "shut up already with this woman of the world nonsense! Humble yourself and get a man, a job a HOBBY, something!!" I KNOW how to fix most of what ales me, and have an inkingly of how to deal with the stuff that I don't know how to fix entirely. I appear to be in what they call at work the "land manatee" stage, where I'm slow moving, cumbersome, and basically taking up space with the sheer weight of all that stomps around my head...

Off to work, to be continued later...

"Because then you get leftovers. Shrimp and lobster are never leftover. Meatloaf is. Do you like meatloaf?"

Could it be any simpler?
The universe is waiting on me...
but do I have to?

Oh. Good. Lord.
I am le tired.

Trying in vain to keep myself awake for a coupla more hours...so forgive if this gets bramble-y. It just goes to show you that sometimes fun comes with a price tag. No sleep. Drama. Mishaps. Delerium. Tables at 4:10, those bastards.

Maaaan, I can't fight it anymore. I'm going to bed, I don't care if it is 6:30 in the evening.

You kissed me...at the bar...?
And you, suck it up, mister.
Was that really Michael Jordan?
Mack is the name, number stealing is the game...
hanging out with the most popular man in St. Augustine.

I will settle here, on my perch, and look at you down the bridge of my beak. Thus has been the weekend. My thoughts volley between: him, him, him, or HIM, San Francisco or oh my God do I have to live in Florida anymore, should I go out or take the rest that my body truly needs, caring or really not...at all, ever...

One day someone will look at me and say, "Kelly. I know." Oh how the breath will rush out of me then.

HEY, LIFE!?! Will you please stop throwing these loops at me? Thanks. Really appreciate your cooperation on that.

And when I say loops, I do mean of the fruity variety..."huh. Did that just happen? Wow." Which is why "wow" has become the new nickname of choice...how are you, Monkey? You know what I'm screamin' don't cha? Just when you think you've found your path, some powder-incensed angel with plastic wings and a crooked halo shows you how many more whacked out curves there are going to be along the way.

Even those that understand me don't get it.

Something weird is going on.

The cat seeing invisible,
tremors calling at all hours looking to be nuzzled,
the snow in the rain with a faint meow.

Oh, what you must think of me.

Who ARE you, little man? You sprang forth into my life from a litany of non-existence, recognition taking shape in a pink house where you barely registered me, but in my reverence, I absorbed every detail of you.

A conquest of sorts, I was not good enough, type enough, tan enough...one of the enough's that I will never measure up to and don't really care to. For you to look upon me and try, no matter how meager and fickle the effort, was a triumph within itself. You will never know it, and I will forever fall short of understanding it, this need, but there it sits on a ottaman in my brain, because it is relaxed now. It has BECOME.

Pride, in being nothing to someone.

For a while I tried to take it back. Then change it. Make the nothing into some semblance of feeling. Now I realize that effort in this manner is futile, and I am more saddened by the apathy with which I regard the situation than the emptyness it is in my heart. I can feel without loving, is what I have learned. Something passionate can be mechanical and predictable and I think I might die before I settle for that in my life. Who knows, maybe I will.

The end of the world as we know it in 20 years?
Can I get an apartment please?...
or just a path in this world to follow...with stops along the way to love, family, fulfillment...are you out there still, or have you wandered away too?

These are the things that I worry about. I know that people have been predicting the end of the world ever since the world was created...but, you see, I have soooo much to do before this deterioration and ultimate demise. Have you ever read "Alas, Babylon"? The only book I have ever regretted reading (that and Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man...shudder...fade into Joe Babe's voice..."compare and contrast, com-PARE and CON-trast...fools!" Sorry, I'm back. Revisited AP English there for a moment.) Anyway, that book scared some of the sense out of me (stop wondering what happened to the rest of it.) It was my first revelation of the fact that the world that we live in is indeed not permanent and we're (crazy humans) not doing much to keep from screwin' it up. God, I could go on about this forever, so I won't. Point being, I still have to do some meaningful things, meet him (man of my dreams) and them (the kids that I will someday torture), and write a book of poems, and stuff (I'm an adult, cross my heart.) But this freaking voice in the back of my head keep droning "yeah, like global warming or nuclear warfare is gonna hold off for you." Ok, Pandora's Box. Back to the pit of my stomach from whence you came...

I hate online apartment search engines...sure they have technical names but I'm not sure that I care. They trip me out a little. I find them quite depressing. 'Cause, look-it. You put in your price range and all, and the computer screen practically laughs at you as it spits back "no results found in your price range, sucka!" Frustrating point numero uno. Numero dos, I haven't a clue in the universe where any of these places are. Crack town? Snob Hill? Murder central? I dunno, but the world's supposed to fall at my feet, remember, so please to find something reasonable, safe, roomie enough with a bay window and some good, light...thanks so much. *I'm waving at you from my parallel universe.* Mucho frustrating point numero tres, how in the hell will I go about looking at these places? How am I gonna find the hidden fees? Are my neighbors going to be morons who vacuum at 2 am? How the HELL am I going to be by myself in such a big place?

School or work?
Residency?
Taxes?
Unexpected expenses?
Car?
Coming home?


AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Talking myself down and reminding myself to breath, I will be taking my worrisome self off to bed now, where I will undoubtedly enact several more bizarre dreams in my head. And to you I say, Good Night.

Making the actual decisions is not the hard part. Figuring out which decisions to make is the clincher.

HEY YOU GUYS!
Do you know how much I love you?

We all know the story. She moved around a lot. She's seen a lot of things, met a lot of people, and left them all. Either her heart gets torn up every time, or she conceals it in bubble wrap and packing tape, then locks it in a steel box. You all know which option I chose, and damned if I didn't end up losing the key.

"Screw you, think I'm cold, but I'm not getting hurt. Yeah, lonely, solitary. But no ouches, mmmkay?"

Yet another mantra. I am strong. And if you can't hear me cry silently, then you don't deserve my pain.

I have left people, best friends and loved ones, and I've cried and moved on. Away. Literally. People have touched me, changed me, helped me and hurt me, but there are very few that I miss. Survival of the military brat, I'll wager.

Sometimes I happen upon other lonely souls. And I guess that's why I tend to collect these shadows. The unstable ones whom I love fiercely because I identify with them,(a love that is akin to a candle flame just before it burns itself out - bright fire turned to dark extinction). The ones that I will always turn the porch light on for at 3 AM, because they need me, dammit. The ones who take what they need from me, and give little back, because I can be that strong. tut-tut. Even when I know I might be hurting myself, it makes me feel to be loving. And eventually I find the right ones to love.

You know who you are.

I feel like I'm thawing. And instead of melting away, I am warming up and changing shape. You have helped me to open my box. You have given me a foundation that will never budge. Evolve and grow, but it is not moving. You have made me laugh, and called me out, intentionally or not, to make me cry. You have danced with me and listened to me and given me the faith to dance by myself. You have made mistakes so that I can learn from them, and waited (or raged) on the sidelines as I made my own. You have made me understand that it is possible to love, and drift, and connect, and leave, and always come back to the very center of the knot of love and friendship that you have helped me to create.

If you were gone, I would miss you.

When you do leave, I will always love you.

Because inadvertently, I made that love, given and received, a part of me. Each person that I have encountered has made a mark on my soul.

You are my soul.

As much as I am my own, and cherish that difference, I would not be the different that I am without you.

Oh my God, all of the ways that each of you mean to me.

"I don't feel Pale."
"Are you Irish?"
"Religious Satan."
"You do sound like a mad monkey."
"Just re-align your chi." "My chi is too spastic to be aligned."
"Forget it all. Just go."
"Let's go shoot some turkeys."
"This is my baby-girl. She's wonderful."

Why do I smile when I want to shriek?

Anger: "A strong feeling of displeasure or hostility."

Rage: 1. Violent, explosive anger. 2. Furious intensity, as of a storm or disease. 3. A burning desire; a passion.

Fury: Violent, uncontrolled action; turbulence

Disappoint: To fail to satisfy the hope, desire, or expectation of...

I was that girl again
yay
for the rigid snow
in Florida

One day
the Unwelcomeness will settle
until then
I will float with a grin

and a cry
"I want to leave!"
too much and
so much for Sundays

"Nice? Really? Are you sure? 'Cause you know, there are plenty of girls out there who understand how to deal with this kind of thing. Me, well, I think my head might just explode."

I should be in a bubble. Not for diseases and such, but for like, interacting with other people.

"What's with the girl in a bubble? Is she sick?"
"No, just emotionally inept. Apparently, she knows how to deal with morons, but give her a nice guy and sheesh, it's like handing a vampire a cross or garlic, or something."

Maybe come with an instruction sheet. A sign proclaiming that I only seem like the queen of the non-reaction. God, how I would love to find someone who could make me react. Melt. Come down off the high horse that I've been kicking the rest of them in the face from. Gonna take a lot...case in point...

On being single...oh, come on, you guys knew that this was coming...

Who knows when I will admit defeat?

So it's good, right? 'Cause I am super independent. Makes my skin crawl to think of having to answer to someone -

Boyfriend: "Where are you going?"
Girl afraid of commitment (it's not so much fear as it is the desire to avoid all unnecessary bullshit...why are you laughing?) : "What's it to you, nosy...wait, that's part of being in a relationship, huh? Yeah, my guy friends and I are going out for some beers...don't wait up! Love you!"

Right. Hope that works out for you.

Ideal situation:
Boyfriend: "Good deal. Have fun. I'll probably roll with some buddies (or otherwise entertain myself). Call me if you need anything, and oh, by the way...can we make a date for sometime later in the week?"

Sure, when the temperature gets a lot cooler down below...to quote One Tree Hill (I only watched it once, really. When some mysterious muscle spasm had hold of my legs and I was unable to reach the T.V. to change the channel. Honest. Seriously, stop laughing)

Even more ideal situation...wanting to tell you what's up with me, without feeling threatened, or stifled...or the strange urge to run away with my hands in the air screaming "Noooo! You'll never get me! Never!"

What would really happen -

"Gonna do what with who? Hu-uh. I'm comin' with you."

Or worse...

You just don't care.