MOTION WITHOUT SOUND (1st draft)

I type
and I stare
sigh
and I backspace
oh good god, oh god, delete
delete delete delete.
Humming hollow
through the pages
of my far too often on holiday brain
is something complete,
rich in texture
heavy with substance
and warm in embrace.
but, where is it really?
my fingers ache often
trace the shape of letters in the air
hoping that just once a black & white word
would hang there
sweetly crisp,
like contrail in the sky...
a wisp of a clue.
my lips form words
my mouth a study of motion
yet without a sound.

I think I will come full circle back to you. It's the being patient for that Moment's Gaze that I'm gonna have a hard time with...

This made me cry...

VIRGO:

A woman I know was invited to a party where she would get the chance to meet her favorite musician, psychedelic folk artist Devendra Banhart. On her last look in the mirror before heading out the door, she decided that the small pimple on her chin was unacceptable, and gave it a squeeze. Wrong move. After it popped, it looked worse. She panicked. More squeezing ensued, accompanied by moaning and howling. Soon the tiny blemish had evolved into a major conflagration. Fifteen minutes later, defeated and in tears, she was nibbling chocolate in bed, unable to bring herself to face her hero with her flagrant new wound showing. The moral of the story, as far as you're concerned: Leave your tiny blemish alone.

We live in bars...and what, and what, and what do you have to say? You live in a: office, a house...a cave? Send me you love, from your perch of regret. I will have fun, but you will forget.

I chose this life.

Take this from me...

I imagine holding my head in my hands, gathering the worry from my skull like dandelion fluff.  Letting it collect on my fingertips and palms, holding it out as an offering and blowing it away, onto the wind. 

Inspiration

...from my friends comes in small, potent doses, just when I need it.  I am a packrat of bits of encouragement, direct or by example; I tend to forget about these little gems but always seem to stumble upon the when I need to hear them again.  Like this one:
 
"And by the way, you don't have a tiny oragami boat.  You have a kayak.  Turn the one oar on its head and use it as a paddle, then you can move forward."

 

It's like your "rules of engagement." Not that kind of engagement, stop freakin' out. I shudder to think of what would happen to this friendship if I came at you with my own version...we never really leave the backyard, do we? 

The worst thing you can do is take me for granted. I just realized...you are well on your way.

Somewhere over the rainbow...
Always on the otherside
the otherside way over there
Never at peace with here
or now
Just then and when and what if I...


The moment you realize the rainbow
leads to your soul
the pot of gold
you can see through the rain
the blinding sun
and realize that life beyond
Is life right here and now.


And it is so much bigger
than good enough

I am of the fish or cut bait variety. I'll leave my line in the water for a very long time...maybe longer than I should. But once I decide that my patience and time is not worth it, I don't care how big the fish is that I am waiting for...I cut bait. Stretch my back out of the kinks that slouching on a dock will give you, crack a huge yawn, and contentedly walk away from the day.

I have no problem chalking one up for a loss, as long as I gave it all that I have.

No.

I like when the moon is 3/4 full...that's when it really seems like the man in the moon is real...true.

In My Mind

I have to be bigger than this...the whispers in the shadows can't get under my skin anymore.  Or at least, I shouldn't let them.
 
Bless.

I know that an emotion is real when I am surprised by it.

Odd, right? Like, I feel these tears slipping from my eyes and I think "what's this...dammit! I just had a feeling...what tha HELL."

It's not that I don't want the feelings, or that I can't feel them...I just spend so much time looking out for myself that when something does waft to the surface, I am caught totally unawares. I am too busy providing you (and more poignantly, myself) with the image that I could care less, but that would require more effort than it's worth, so I can't even be bothered to expend that much energy in caring even less than I already do...sigh I am already bored with this conversation...see what I mean? Well, you maybe get my drift.

Sometimes I feel dead inside until a song comes on, it enters my body as easily as air, sustenance that consumes me, instead of I it. As it flushes my cells with sound and light, it becomes whatever I need it to be at that time. So many times it is the next breath that I need to take, the next step that I can't seem to put my foot forward into.

I could not be me without those notes, each singular one, and the whole that they create. But I could not be me without the silence, either.

This will never be easy.

I see my life in fragments. Physically represented by the no doubt thousands by now scraps of paper that I have accumulated, bits of writing that I can only start and never finish. Words and thoughts and phrases and rhymes and dialogue and ideas...all little atoms of my soul that I can't seem to bind together. I constantly feel like I need to find whatever it is that will make the notes a song, the words a story, the atoms a physical being that I can see. At least in my mind's eye.

And I think that I will...and I don't think that I have been searching in the wrong places...I think that more than anything else, I just need to be me and that's it. I am searching for a reason, and I like that. I think it would be settling if I wasn't still looking at this point.

Just like that

He said, "I knew the first time I met you, when I shook your hand.  It was so cold, and you were trying so hard to be professional and act like you care.  I wanted to warm you up, make you relax.  That's all it took."

Because you were too scared to be a part of my life.

That's why.

Ever feel like a fraud? Nodding and smiling like a bobble-head doll, cheeks plasticized and round, eyes vacant as if they have no soul...

Yeah. Me too.

I am my own worst enemy. 
 
And this battle is getting out of hand.