My hand
flashes in and out
of the sunlight
like the fickleness
of my mind

to be the lamb
or the wolf
wearing both skins
is damn near impossible

**********************

Every day I learn how-not-to...how not to look down my nose at other people because my actions (or lack there of) surprise me about once every hour. How not to let go of dignity and respect, in whatever form I cherish it. When I am single and lonely, literally throwing 'bows to stand on my feet and not be crushed in the pit of, let's call it society, sometimes those two things are all that I have. And I can wake up the next day and be happy to have them. I am reminded everyday of how not to put people on pedestals. It's so damn disappointing when they come up short, and you see them bustin' out the step ladder to climb back up there every time that they fall. Even more disappointing when I'm right there beside them with a taller ladder - for it turns out I can't seem to keep my balance, either. How not to wonder what other people would do, or how they will react to what I do. "What do you think - what would you do?" If it mattered, we would all be living this gigantic joint life, called robots, or beings without souls...
What I am working on now is how not to be indecisive. At this point in my life, I would rather jump without looking and sort it all out later than calculate every inch of the fall as I make my way down.
I think I'll work my way off the pedestal in my head first, though.
Then maybe I'll start with a kiddy pool.

Karma has a hard payback rate

************

It's funny, 'cause I really wanted to know you. I'm still not at the point where I would hold my breath over anyone, (we'll see if my face ever turns blue) but I genuinely wanted to see what you were all about, and I wasn't concerned about getting jerked around. This is unusual. As per, I lovingly cut my men from the herd called "not for me, but then I know that, 'cause they're all jerks." If you know it's not worth it, it's easier to lick your wounds and move on. Fade to me, cuddling my old friend disappointment, yet again. Even my confidence is asking "is it me? Really, am I doing something wrong?"

I think I figured out when I was fourteen that I am one big jumbled mass of contradictions. I am very sweet natured, but I can bust out with the forked tongue of a snake when ignorance or injustice abounds. Highly motivated, but willing to lay around in jammies all day, 'cause I don't really feel like doing anything. The shadow of shyness has always stalked me, yet I am a natural entertainer, albeit with a very dry sense of humor (thank you Grandpa Blake)
I like these things about myself. Even I don't know what to expect out of me. But sometimes, my opposing sides cancel each other out, and I wind up feeling like an empty human-shaped nut shell, because the real nut of substance doesn't always get a chance to grow.

"This is me, in a nut shell."
"But Kelly, there's nothing there."

For instance, when I was thinking about what to write in here, I wondered about rage. Sometimes I intuit that I could dig up a lot of good fodder for the garden that is my writing skills, if I could just lose it, totally rage and let go of all of my inhibitions. Such a tiny little space,the creative plot of land that is in my mind. Probably it would wreck it over and back again if I lost some of my control, but ironically, that's what I think I need. Funny, isn't it. If I could just freak right the hell out, just totally rage and let go of all my inhibitions, I think I would be better off. Crazy, but at least I could be creative.
When I learn how to balance my contradictions, I'll be all set.