My EYEBALLS hurt...

Man, I'm tired. And it makes me feel like such a slacker. Busy? Yes. Stressed? Well, a certain level follows me around regardless, doesn't it? Not sleeping much or well? Hard to when you can't turn off the faucet that is your brain. Even when I dream...

So ok, there are reasons to be tired but STILL. Comparatively (which is typically a dirty word to me) there are people out there (whom I respect and admire for their accomplishments, so it's kosher to judge myself against them occasionally) who deal with so much more and aren't reduced to a sniveling squint-eyed hurricane of a mess when face with a tad of adversity.

I get four hours of sleep, wake up, and think of all of the things I have to do, soon, including dragging my butt off to work in the travesty we call a restaurant, and I'm ready to start sucking my thumb again.

Yes, I know I am hard on myself. Strangely enough, I think this is what my personality lives for. Because I am thriving on it. All of this work will show results, and in the end I will be happier for having done it. Even if I cry a lot while I do it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to locate my pillowcase, aka, the "B".

OH MY GOD, there's more!
Feast or famine, folks. Feast or famine.

Nevermind that I am doing everything in my power to keep from doing what I'm supposed to do. I don't care what you say, there are skills that just come naturally to some people. As does procrastination to me. And damn, I'm good at it.

Is it in me to be patient with the immature ones? Am I so arrogant as the think that I am better, that I have it all figured out while they are just annoyingly lost and almost cute in their little dramas? Is this the attitude that come naturally to mind?

Yes. And then I remind 25 yr. old self that it wasn't two months ago that I was parading down the street at 3 AM in nothing but a bathrobe, on a mission that can only be described as petty and mean-spirited. Even though I was drunk, come on, that was stupid. Then I get to thinking of the time that I got into a fight in the parking lot of Dunes. Whoa, a whole load of wrist-slapping words come screaming to mind here- ummm...tacky, very un-classy, uncontrolled, demeaning, humiliating...a night which led me yet again to wandering my neighborhood alone during the wee hours of the morning. Well, at least I wasn't driving because that would be moronic, wouldn't it? No worries, that was my latest indiscretion of choice. because, when it comes right down to it, all of these things were choices. Bad ones. So I understand that I cannot control myself or my environment 100% of the time, and that I am woefully hard on myself when I do lose control. This makes me much less apt to leap into judgement of others after reviewing my track record of dumbness.

MY HAIR EATS STRAWS.
Um-hmmm, that's what I said.
Oh, and crab quesadilla make my belly MAD at me...

Being a responsible grown-up is what's going to kill me. Ironic, isn't it? Being a responsible grown-up is what kills just about everybody. And have you noticed that those who deny gtowing up seem younger and have more fun? Although, I guess it's all in your definition of fun. "Depth" and "meaningfulness" are increasingly more important to me. Apparently that's what gets us all in the end.

Finding the last card that my Gramie was physically able to sign her name to made me feel a lot of things. After I cried like a baby and poor-me'd over how much I miss her, I realized that her life was something that my life just might turn out to be - an outline for loved ones that we leave behind to follow. A blueprint from which I can trace shape into my own life and fill in the blanks with what is real to me. We all wallow around 80% of the time trying to figure out the meaning of our lives and the purpose that we are to fulfill while we are here. Maybe it's way too selfish to expect that we'll ever know what we've been sent here to accomplish. Maybe we are here to drop little pebbles behind us as we go for the next ones to follow. We may not reach the grandest scheme, if we're not meant to. But maybe we're paving a path for those that are.

Having said that, I'm perfectly ok with being way too selfish. I want the grandest scheme. I will always tilt my ear towards heaven for God's instructions, and doing so makes me expect to do big things. I can only hope to create a legacy that my children and grandchindren want to be a part of, just like my family has done for me.

And I'm learning how to do that from great people. I am humbled and envigored daily by my faith. My love is constantly tested but proves to be tempered steel...made stronger every time it's shoved into the fire. My friends amaze me with the lives that they are creating, the brazen way that they face life, and the love and faith that they invest in me. I promise that your investment is sound, and I will make you proud. My family inspires me with the understanding that there really are good people roaming this earth. No matter how much I question humankind I am cast to my knees when I look into my cousin's eyes and see pureness and hope and mischief, when I am in the prescence of the deep faith of my grandparents or the inate sense of honor, respect and commitment that my Mom and Dad posess in their lives.

So, I might never be a rock star or a rocket scientist or Secretary of State or Queen of the world, but it will be known that I was here. Even if I just have to make a really big sign that says "Kelly was here!" If it comes down to that, it is my constant prayer that there are little souls who are meant to come after me and reckon with the good that I swear is here to find.

That's the challenge, and God I love every minute of it.