I feel brittle, like the outermost layer of an onion skin...
My skin is pallid and even my lips have lost color, and my body aches...
Is this stress rearing it's ugly head?

Or am I freakin' sick? All I want to do is sleep, I have a slightly sore throat...oh GOD, what if I have MONO?

Well, at least my DO is cute...hard to go in there lookin' like death warmed over though, isn't it? It would figure - getting ever closer to making a major move and I would get the kissing disease and I'm not even damn fortunate enough to be kissin' anyone, um, lately...

Probably I'm just a drama queen, which is what 90% of what goes on in my world can be chalked up to...

If any of you vague handful of people who read this thing are wondering where the explosion of verbal dia...*gross*...one more again...where the explosion of verbal diatribes (ha, tricked ya) has suddenly come from, the answer is way simpler than it usually is. No drama (past the norm) and nothing major going on (past the moving), but my superb parents got me a laptop (one word or two?) as an early b-day gift and I have just discovered that there is nothing cooler than lying in bed in the dark and typing away until my little heart is content.

Obviously by the ridiculous amount that I am posting, it is never content.

Or, probably more true to form is that there is a ton of stuff that I need to do and whatever else would I do but avoid doing it?

Ya know what's funny? I have known those Kibler boys all of my life. I've watched two get married and one become a Daddy to a precious little thing with another on the way, and I realized something that I have already verbalized several times: those boys have ruined me for settling. There is no way in this world I would accept anything less than what I see them giving the world. They are three more additions to my list of proof that there are still real men walking around, that they are honorable, fun, caring and dependable. (Not to say that any of those boys don't have their quirks, 'cause they all do. But aren't we females a li'l, um, quirky ourselves?) So that brings the list to about...well, whose counting? You know who you are.

THESE WORDS ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. THEY ARE NOT WORKING THEY ARE MEAGER THEY HAVE BEEN "MEASURED AND FOUND WANTING..." DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I QUOTED THAT RIGHT-WHY DOES IT TAKE ANGER AND DEEP SADNESS TO DRAW ON PAPER ANYTHING WORTHY OF WHAT I SAY AND FEEL IN MY HEAD AND SOUL?

*pause for breath*

I KEEP THREATENING THAT ONE DAY I WILL EXPLODE AND THEN NOBODY WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE THERE WHEN IT HAPPENS SOME SAY THAT I AM TOO NICE AND OTHERS SURELY THINK THAT I AM A RAVING LUNATIC OR AT THE VERY LEAST A BITCH, A SPECTRUM THAT I FIND AMUSING AND COMFORTING BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT MY LIFE IS NOT BORING AND I AM NOT LIKE YOU SOMETIMES I DON'T EVEN THINK THOSE THAT ARE CLOSE TO ME KNOW WHO I TRULY AM OR IF I'M NOT SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE PROBABLY BECAUSE I HAVE A HARD TIME COMING OFF THIS EVEN KEEL THAT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY EVEN THOUGH I RANGE FROM HIGH-MAINTENANCE-HI-MY-NAME-IS-KELLY-AKIN-TO-THE-SUN SO PLEASE REVOLVE AROUND ME *pant, pant* TO LET ME LAY ON THE FLOOR SO YOU CAN WALK ALL OVER ME NO REALLY IT IS MY PLEASURE...

*pause rant to contemplate that statement*

TRULY I DON'T ALLOW MYSELF TO BE TREATED THE WAY I WAS IN THE PAST ANYMORE, BUT STILL I AM TIRED OF BITCHING AND WONDERING ABOUT ME AND I SURE AS SHOOTIN' AM TIRED OF WONDERING AND BITCHING ABOUT YOU ALL I WANT IS TO LET GO OF THESE THINGS THAT I CANNOT CONTROL BUT EVERYTIME I DO YOU ARE STANDING IN MY DREAMS IN MY FIELD OF VISION WHEN I WAKE AND I SEE YOUR EYES AND I WANT TO HOLD YOU AND FIX ALL THAT IS SO CLEARLY BROKEN BUT THEN I SECOND GUESS MYSELF AND WONDER IF A ROLE HASN'T BEEN CREATED TO...TO...BBBAAAAAHH! I DON'T KNOW CREATED TO DO WHAT, CRAZY? AND THEN I FIND SMALL THINGS AND SEE SMALL THINGS AND REMEMBER SMALL THINGS LIKE YOU HOLDING ME AGAINST YOU, NOT LETTING ME GO STOPPING IN THE MIDDLE OF EVERYTHING JUST TO FEEL ME AGAINST YOU...AND I CRY. I CAN'T SEE THE FOREST FOR THE TREES. EACH LITTLE SAPLING WINDS ITSELF AROUND MY HEART AND MAKES ME FORGET ALL THAT I HAVE TO OFFER AND WHAT I REALLY WANT IS MORE THAN JUST MY HEART TO BE ENGAGED BUT MY SOUL AND MIND TOO AND MY LIFE...I WANT SOMEONE TO BE A PART OF MY LIFE AND WHY,OH WHY IS THAT SO DAMN HARD?

I AM TIRED OF PRETENDING THAT I DON'T CARE. 'CAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS, EVEN WHEN I HAVE GIVEN UP, COME TO UNDERSTAND THE FUTILITY, AND WALKED AWAY, I STILL F-ING CARE AND ISN'T THAT JUST A CATCH-22?


WELL.

Maybe the red bull wasn't such a good idea after all, I'm thinkin'.

No words, right? No coherent sentences?

'CAUSE GOD JUST ERASED THEM.

WHAT YOU SEE

A soliloquy.
All you might've given me.
Full words, stillborn.
Hit the air,
heartbeat never formed.
Breathed away
on the wind
Please stay, please, please
remember me.

Couldn't hurt you
if I wanted to
nor love you
if I chose.
Loose you
from my mind,
because-
return the love?
Mercy no
you might slip
the pose.

Cynical
is how you found me
and cynical is how I leave.
Who does this,
who deals with it-
please please, stay,
remember me, please-
And still stands
to face the world and fight
with not but a
tricky mask,
supposedly the armor of your bones,
and yet wait,
where are David's stones?

Funny though.
I understand.
And my heart
has died
each time.
One day
he will look at me,
my heart will gasp
stutter, and stay alive.
A dialogue. All that I need.
Even when more is given me.
For you
to see
what I see.

Don't push me away now...

Status at this very moment: Excited about the little things.

Biggest worry: Getting a job, a real job, and nothing but a job that will afford me the ability to live,AND eat, in NYC. Maybe to experience life some too. Oh, and some clothes. I like to be warm. Man, it's gonna be a coooold winter.

Constant mantra: You can come back, Kel. You can always come back.

Tear jerker: I'm a crier. Mostly when nobody can see me. And I'm ok with that. But man, I think I'm getting dehydrated. I pass the beach, *sniffle* see a bald eagle take to the sky, *lip smush* wake up to the sunshine flooding my room and wallow in the warmth as I stretch myself into consciousness and it's an hour before I get out of bed because I am in the clutches of yet another crying jag. At least I'm not one to run from true emotion.

And to you I say: Wait for it. It's coming.