HEY YOU GUYS!
Do you know how much I love you?

We all know the story. She moved around a lot. She's seen a lot of things, met a lot of people, and left them all. Either her heart gets torn up every time, or she conceals it in bubble wrap and packing tape, then locks it in a steel box. You all know which option I chose, and damned if I didn't end up losing the key.

"Screw you, think I'm cold, but I'm not getting hurt. Yeah, lonely, solitary. But no ouches, mmmkay?"

Yet another mantra. I am strong. And if you can't hear me cry silently, then you don't deserve my pain.

I have left people, best friends and loved ones, and I've cried and moved on. Away. Literally. People have touched me, changed me, helped me and hurt me, but there are very few that I miss. Survival of the military brat, I'll wager.

Sometimes I happen upon other lonely souls. And I guess that's why I tend to collect these shadows. The unstable ones whom I love fiercely because I identify with them,(a love that is akin to a candle flame just before it burns itself out - bright fire turned to dark extinction). The ones that I will always turn the porch light on for at 3 AM, because they need me, dammit. The ones who take what they need from me, and give little back, because I can be that strong. tut-tut. Even when I know I might be hurting myself, it makes me feel to be loving. And eventually I find the right ones to love.

You know who you are.

I feel like I'm thawing. And instead of melting away, I am warming up and changing shape. You have helped me to open my box. You have given me a foundation that will never budge. Evolve and grow, but it is not moving. You have made me laugh, and called me out, intentionally or not, to make me cry. You have danced with me and listened to me and given me the faith to dance by myself. You have made mistakes so that I can learn from them, and waited (or raged) on the sidelines as I made my own. You have made me understand that it is possible to love, and drift, and connect, and leave, and always come back to the very center of the knot of love and friendship that you have helped me to create.

If you were gone, I would miss you.

When you do leave, I will always love you.

Because inadvertently, I made that love, given and received, a part of me. Each person that I have encountered has made a mark on my soul.

You are my soul.

As much as I am my own, and cherish that difference, I would not be the different that I am without you.

Oh my God, all of the ways that each of you mean to me.

"I don't feel Pale."
"Are you Irish?"
"Religious Satan."
"You do sound like a mad monkey."
"Just re-align your chi." "My chi is too spastic to be aligned."
"Forget it all. Just go."
"Let's go shoot some turkeys."
"This is my baby-girl. She's wonderful."

Why do I smile when I want to shriek?

Anger: "A strong feeling of displeasure or hostility."

Rage: 1. Violent, explosive anger. 2. Furious intensity, as of a storm or disease. 3. A burning desire; a passion.

Fury: Violent, uncontrolled action; turbulence

Disappoint: To fail to satisfy the hope, desire, or expectation of...

I was that girl again
yay
for the rigid snow
in Florida

One day
the Unwelcomeness will settle
until then
I will float with a grin

and a cry
"I want to leave!"
too much and
so much for Sundays