I need to find a way to detach my mind from my mind - the creative subconscious from the nagging conscious, the feeling thoughts from the plaguing, worrying ones. A delicate balance, it would seem - to keep from detaching myself from reality...whatever that is. It's like I need to float over my body, come completely out of whatever inhibiting skin that surrounds my heart and just form this other self. Deal only with this other complete person that hasn't been created by nature or nurture, she just is. She is nothing else, nothing described, but herself. I know that person - I run into, no stumble (because it's never quite on purpose), upon her on occasion. I see moments of her and they make me so happy. When I see her, images of Matanzas Bay from my perch on the seawall come to mind. Sitting on the balcony of A1A with Shawn, Amber and Jolie, tellin' each other about each other. I feel myself, lying flat on my back on my beach chair, trying to absorb the lazy, heavy heat from the sun into my bones.
I know where she is, but I can't return to her until I learn to quiet, or at least contain the other girl. The one who personifies suppression. I don't want to be rid of her completely, she's a part of who I am, but she clamors so much more loudly than anything else that I can hear right now. She stomps around, banging pots and pans while humming into a kazoo...the problem is, if you corner her, take her pots and pans and rip the kazoo out of her mouth, she can't honestly tell you exactly what she wants. It's like being possessed by a poltergeist. They make a lot of noise but have no way of telling you what the hell they're doing there. You, the chump, gotta guess how to make that ghost follow the light to her peace.
The point is, contentment is not something I consistently am at this point in my life. But I can't claim my place as content girl until obnoxious hey look at me I've got homes and ambitions girl is pacified.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
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