I am SOOO sorry for trying to take your hat...
Bet you can't wait to tell your buddy about that one, can ya?
I have an itch and am trying reeaaalll hard not to scratch it. Probably I'm gonna lose this battle. But not the war. Never the war.

I know why I feel this way, but even so...am I just supposed to ignore certain feelings and emotions, pretend that I am really not feeling anything for a week or so, and then it's all better, back to normal? No. It's like being in a second skin. Becoming another part of myself that has heighten senses, thoughts and emotions. And no, I am not talking back to the voices, yet. They are all still external and throwing mad bullshit my way, whether I ask for it or not, but I have yet to lash out with real fervor. Only a matter of time, really, but such is me, and how I deal with life.

My goal, for the day, at least:
Settle down enough to enjoy the rest of my time here, so that I can remember St. Augustine fondly, and maybe for once in my life, miss a place. (Don't worry, San Fran, I'm coming back for you). Right, we'll see how that goes.

Siggghhh...
THE UNREST OF THE MONKEYS

Do you know that I missed St. Augustine, and talked about it positively while I was gone? Do you know that I am fairly certain now that I have lost my mind? Dear God, don't tell anyone.

I came home today to a cat who climbed me like a tree, *awwww*, 'cause she missed me, so that was nice. I stood in the doorway, happy to be home, ready to find some trouble to get into, and I was sad. My monkey was not here to share with. Mia is not really into story time. No one to show my funky shoes, no one to tell that there were fifty thousand fine guys to look at in the City that has lost their r's, not to mention the disquiet I have now that I discovered Boston wasn't what I wanted it to be...Who really cares, besides the #1 monkey and my parents? In wallowing in my own self-pity, I got to thinking, "God, if it's this bad for us, how much does it SUCK for her?" Here I am with Ashley and Matt within reach, my friends, my job, my drama. There she is, surrounded by beauty but no doubt one sad little monkey, to be away from everything like she is. So Alicia, I hope that you are well. I know that your are lonely, but I hope that you can take everything that you can from this situation. Not just being immersed in Spanish, but also how your heart feels now. How to deal with that. How to make something better when you really see nothing good in it. I love you, and miss you.

Now for the other Monkey. I hope that you are doing better than that last post. If you are, *whew* that was a close one. If not, think to a place where you are always appreciated and loved. You know where. Now nod and smile as you are thinking "yeah freakin' great. My car's a mess and people at work are butts, and Kelly's waxing all poetic and sappy on me." So as not to create that illusion, I will say, I (and hopefully Ashley) will be down there on Fri., and there will be drinking and presents and drinking, none of which you will have to pay for. It is your Birthday so you are the Birthday...uh...King!...Man!...Monkey! So suck it up, soldier! (I've been in the car for the past three days, cut me a break).

Not a word was written on this trip. Trepidation to try plagues me, once again. Am I doing the right thing?

I want to write about my day in Boston yesterday, but I can't spell some of the things that I would write about, so it'll have to wait until later.

For now, the recent goings-on in my addled brain:

Can't you take I-95 all the way down?
Could I deal with the abruptness of this city?
I promised myself not to live in fear, and I want to call, I really do, but the phone repels me like so much venom...this might be a longer process than I thought.
We'll see if it can be handled accordingly...

I dunno,Kel. You might have to stop thinking and just BE...