Because I know...
(and knowing is half the battle)

Oh come on, you can't say one without the other. It's just not right man. So even though I was trying to be serious, humor snuck in and stuck its tongue out at me again. I guess there are far worse ways to deal with major topics that make me squirm, ways such as:
drinking, eating, staying up too late, sleeping to long, procrastinating, drugs...
well, at least I don't do the drugs.

Here's the thing. I was starting to go on a flourishing diatribe depicting the paths that I am wandering around as we speak. The outline I had in my head was to lament my current career standing (or the fact that I don't have one and almost two months into being 25 am no where nearer to stumbling across one) and chide myself over the inaction. Then I was going to throw in something empowering yet witty to boost my failing temperament through another day of smiling at people that I don't like. Add a dash of "stop berating yourself for trying to make the right decisions and taking the time to do it" and I would have been mentally satiated knowing that the whole world understands that I don't want to remain a waitress in St. Augustine forever and I am perfectly willing to shout it from the rooftops, if I felt confident that I could do so without falling off a one story house and killing myself.
I started to, but I was contradicted. By me. A-GAIN. So I stopped. It seems that I have either killed off the brain cells that were making me over-analyze these things, or I really have just stopped caring. Or maybe I really do understand that my time will come. When I ponder being a go-getter, I take another sip of my vodka tonic and push through the crowd to stare at the beach and think "nah, the real world can wait." While I fail to believe I should just sit idly by on my ass doing nothing, I am renewing my thinking with the fact that I will be a grown up for the rest of my life and this world is too hard to live in without enjoying the major things that I know will sustain me:
Love, family, career, surroundings...
and I refuse to push myself to do anything but enjoy these things.

If you're worried, don't be.

I'm not. Just trust in me. I am learning to, and it's a fabulous thing.

HEY DUCKS!!
New mantra "be sweet, be kind, be patient, be strong. Again...be sweet, be kind..." God knows, I'm trying.
"What have people got against a chick being by herself?"

There would be no rainbows from the soul if there were no tears in the eyes...

This is the gist of a quote I saw on a wall in Savannah today. It sums up my short trip nicely, I think. Driving up, the passanger seat of the Camry was inhabited by one big, tense mass of contradictory thoughts and emotions. Talked myself out of most of that nicely. Had I stayed here I would have created a melodrama the likes of which would rival the best soap opera, and then some. Weird how stepping away from something allows for some eery clarity and eventually restores peace. Let's see if I can remember this lesson.

Well, I am just really happy.

But before I say anything...my heart goes out to the victims and families who are suffering in Haiti right now. I can't even begin to fathom the things that these people are going through now. I am so sorry but so very thankful.

Now back to happy. Since I have written last, I celebrated my birthday in Miami, where I got to hang out in the Dj booth with John Digweed and watch the sun rise on my 25th, not to mention spend time with one of my favorites. I have trips planned to Costa Rica with the other favorites (AKA monkeys) and Australia if I can swing it, and I am finally getting to go to New York. Fabulous. Shortly I will start studying to take the GRE so I can start on the good ole career track. We made it through the first batch of hurricanes, thanks be, and hopefully we will make it through Jeanne (which by the way is named after my sassy Grandmother, go freakin' figure. And, drumroll, please. I have a boyfriend. Hope you didn't hurt yourself falling out of your chair in shock. Lord knows I'm still reeling from the surprise. I am very gun-shy right now, but I hope I can pull this off without totally freaking out. We'll see.

So my attetion is waning for the moment, hope to write less superficial stuff soon.

WELL, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, WAS I THAT BIG BEFORE?

Hey! Now you can post comments! So do it! Uh, I mean, em, please enlighten me with your most valued opinion. Ah-thank you.

Well, through all of the love-life blundering that typically happens on any given day, at least I can say I am starting to get more intuitive about the shenanigans. Probably I'm just learning to pay better attention to all of the BLARINGLY OBVIOUS signals. That might be it.

WARNING. Political discussion to follow.

So I have this to say about politics. Figure that mess out for yourself. (That was the essence of what I had to say. Figured I'd plant the seed before I tried to be eloquent.) But please, please, por favor, don't decide the future of our country by selecting the candidate's name that you see the most on the side of the road. In any election, from school board member to Commander in Chief. "Whichever devil you choose, you will look him in the face first." This quote from Dangerous Beauty may not be referring to the same situation, but I think it is a stance that we as a society should take, even though we often fail to. In this time when it can truly be the lesser of two evils, be aware of what you are signing your soul away to achieve. Take a look at the issues and the facts, and seal your heart from being affected by emotionally charged (if not factually based) speeches and campaign press releases. And if you are an undeniable moron, ask someone whom you respect to tell you who to vote for, 'cause even you need to try and make a difference.

Really, it's the way that you approach things.

For all of the times that I wanted to scream when I heard "it's not WHAT you say, Kelly, it's HOW you say it" I realize more and more everyday, it's damn true.

Learn about tact, and then learn how to use it.  I have no filter, so I empathize.  I talk to much, about too much, so I understand it's hard to hold back sometimes.  Especially when I think that I am always right.  Indignant is the term that comes to mind as of late, and I can't quite figure out what there is to be indignant about.  I'll be stepping off of my soap box now.  Thanks for reading.

PLAN:

1.  GRE (shudder)
2.  Resume (blech)
3.  Fancy suit as a reward for the above, b/c isn't it obvious by now that I operate on a reward system?
4.  Networking (did my anti-corperate, no-no-yuppy rear-end just say that?)
5.  Volunteering

AAAANNNDDDD....go!

Oh, and, uh, just found out that Digweed is going to be in Miami at Crobar the day before my birthday (which would be a monday night).  I think that it would be quite awesome to:

a. see Digweed!
b. Go to Miami
3. Dance my butt off at Crobar and watch the sun come up on my Birthday...yeah baby.

Uh-oh.  The wheels are definitely turning!

      

I think I am going to tattoo "mistaken intention" on my forehead..."What?  Why are you looking at me like...wait, no!  That's not what I meant, that's not what I was going to do... dammit, why...oh, for cripes sake, I give up!"
 
Why can't I just BE, and you GET IT?
 
For those of you that miss the Monkeys, the recent quotes on the board include:
 
Kelly: Can't you feel your heart beating?
Alicia: No, not under this padded bra.
 
Alicia:  Who are those guys hanging out on the stage behind them?
Kelly:  It's their posse.
Alicia:  Oohhhh!
  

 

Pursue Happiness inscribed over my battered knuckles.
Poor car.
 
Even if it is silent, my prayer is always the same.
 
Be safe.  Be strong.  Know that even with all of the disaster around you, the confusion and the opposite ends of honor, no matter the politics or varied opinions, there is always a heart open to you.  I love you for everything that you do for us.  Thank you for your life and your courage.  For the past, the present and the future, you are all my heroes.

Funny.  The other day, I called a good friend of mine a boy, and he got offended.  "Don't call me that.  I know that's an insult coming from you."  Apparently I have been very vocal about my views of the difference between men and boy.  Guess I'd better follow up the opinion with the behavior now, huh?

Ok, so here's the thing. My computer has some mysterious virus thingy going on. I can't even turn the abominable thing on now. So I am quite near twitching from not posting - still writing, but this whole online thing is strangely addicting. Nothing much eventful to lament about, really. Hopefully the bane of my existence will be working by the time something interesting happens.

NO REALLY.

IS THIS THING ON!?!?!

The moon is calling me...It's making me lose my concept of time, it's altering my perception of reality, it's drawing the drama to care from this body as its last breath. No worries. This is just the cocoon. The vibrant, strong creature my soul will become is still being nurtured inside. The pulse of the moon may just breath life yet. I am desperately fighting the urge to ignore it. The music and the words are holding me to it. One day. One day there will be so much more. It'll hurt, there will be pain and rage and distrust and failure and all of those other nasty words and thoughts and sentiments. But there will always be love. And I will pick up new words along the way to induct into my vocabulary - trust, support, commitment, honor, sucess, fufillment. Even to try will be enough.

Sober for 17 days, here's where I am on THAT totem pole:

* People in bars are ten TIMES more annoying when you are the ONLY one not drinking. Being intoxicated makes that a whole hell of a lot easier to deal with.
* I'm grouchier than I've ever been before.
* I've noticed when the urge strikes me the hardest, and this awareness reminds me of why I quit to begin with: When I am angry, threatened, or stressed, I crave alcohol.
* It IS hard to not drink when you work at a restaurant and go to bars, but not impossible. The major thing that strikes me when I'm out is, "God, why am I here again? To be social? With WHAT?"

Is it because you know that I want to grab you up and shake the teeth out of your head? Is this what causes you to think the way that you do? Or are you just so encapsulated in your own mind space that you don't realize what you passed up years ago?

JUST ONE DAY IN ALL OF THEIR HEADS, THAT WOULD PUT MY MIND AT EASE. GUESS I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO RELY ON SWEET, SLOW TIME, EH?

"I know, I know. Action. Not words."

I feel like the worst comedian in the world, playing to a non-existent audience, tapping the mike, screaming "IS THIS THING ON?!?!?!"

There must be something that allows for a mess up. A do-over. Stepping stone. I don't know, a freaking experiment that's not too caustic or hurtful. Can't I have a get out of jail free card? As much as I scribble, as much as the steam escapes through my ears...all that thinking just leads to so many concentric circles. Good, back to chasing my tail again. Glad for that!

Whatever is silenced will clamor to be heard, though silently.
-Margret Atwood

No, the tears are not rife
with any particular emotion.
Slow and circumspect,
hating disappointment
as the only measure
that still trickles pain,
the only one
that finely drips through
the mesh of control
to mingle with my blood.

This fabulous inertia
that strikes my limbs
but won't even put pause on my brain
makes my eyes vibrant
but my actions dim.
Being this body
is hurting my soul
and floating
is causing more scrapes and bruises
than the Path ever would.

Musically, poetically I'll watch you
as I cling to the notes
and words
to save me from drawing you near.
The sting from my palm
still open on your face,
you will walk away.
I will be watching patiently
for the sight of your back -
breathing easily because I won, again.


Can you hear me clamoring, finally?

BUY!! SELL!! TRADE!!

No, this is not a used car dealership ad, this is how I feel about my life right now:

"Stuck in a rut with nothing to entertain you? Go buy something you don't need for that five minute of translucent joy!"
Passe, at best.

"Want to cleanse your spirit because you are brutally hard on yourself and feel that you tend towards no good? Go through the house like a tornado and bag up 2/3 of your stuff to give away - you're helping other people right?"
Trite. That about sums it up.

"Need some affection? Want to connect with someone? To be special? Of the many things in your head you have to barter, why not pick the one that you are the best with? 'Cause that makes sense."
Even when you know better, huh?

Clearly when I said that I am ridiculously inept at social multi-tasking, the powers that be took that to heart and decided to really try my malfunction. My inclination would be to bitch, 'cause well, that's what I do. But seeing as I am famously Happy, *uh, Content, or maybe...Satisfied, yeah that's it, Satisfied* with my "social calendar" as it is, I think I might try keeping my mouth shut. Now, to all of you Nay Sayers out there, every last one of you - to you I say "remember that I will ALWAYS surprise you." So there, and a nanny nanny boo boo, too, just for good measure. How's that for being a grown up?

Monkey, um, really, what is this? "Goddess of the Fabrics of Time."

Please to share, thanks.

ooooh...I want that! Why not me?

Ummmm...

Love...
and why stare?
Those next needs
Boil beneath a moon gown
Rusting
Aching
Blood
In a thousand languages.

Yeah.

I should be famous for the odd sunburns that I get...sheesh.
It doesn't matter how much they protest, kids will always like water in the end.
I am HORRIBLE with social multi-tasking.
How long before I run away in a fright, thinking, "whew, that was close!"

I wore my new shoes last night! (Robbie, if you are reading this, I didn't fall nor were they uncomfortable.) Apparently, this is all I've got right now, when really I am jam-packed with issues...maybe I'm scared to take a closer look.

MY TIES ARE GONE...

...and once again I wonder where that up-in-the-air feeling will get me.

Also, I was wrong, even when I knew that I was right.

Yeah, chew on that one for a minute. I sure have.

I am SOOO sorry for trying to take your hat...
Bet you can't wait to tell your buddy about that one, can ya?
I have an itch and am trying reeaaalll hard not to scratch it. Probably I'm gonna lose this battle. But not the war. Never the war.

I know why I feel this way, but even so...am I just supposed to ignore certain feelings and emotions, pretend that I am really not feeling anything for a week or so, and then it's all better, back to normal? No. It's like being in a second skin. Becoming another part of myself that has heighten senses, thoughts and emotions. And no, I am not talking back to the voices, yet. They are all still external and throwing mad bullshit my way, whether I ask for it or not, but I have yet to lash out with real fervor. Only a matter of time, really, but such is me, and how I deal with life.

My goal, for the day, at least:
Settle down enough to enjoy the rest of my time here, so that I can remember St. Augustine fondly, and maybe for once in my life, miss a place. (Don't worry, San Fran, I'm coming back for you). Right, we'll see how that goes.

Siggghhh...
THE UNREST OF THE MONKEYS

Do you know that I missed St. Augustine, and talked about it positively while I was gone? Do you know that I am fairly certain now that I have lost my mind? Dear God, don't tell anyone.

I came home today to a cat who climbed me like a tree, *awwww*, 'cause she missed me, so that was nice. I stood in the doorway, happy to be home, ready to find some trouble to get into, and I was sad. My monkey was not here to share with. Mia is not really into story time. No one to show my funky shoes, no one to tell that there were fifty thousand fine guys to look at in the City that has lost their r's, not to mention the disquiet I have now that I discovered Boston wasn't what I wanted it to be...Who really cares, besides the #1 monkey and my parents? In wallowing in my own self-pity, I got to thinking, "God, if it's this bad for us, how much does it SUCK for her?" Here I am with Ashley and Matt within reach, my friends, my job, my drama. There she is, surrounded by beauty but no doubt one sad little monkey, to be away from everything like she is. So Alicia, I hope that you are well. I know that your are lonely, but I hope that you can take everything that you can from this situation. Not just being immersed in Spanish, but also how your heart feels now. How to deal with that. How to make something better when you really see nothing good in it. I love you, and miss you.

Now for the other Monkey. I hope that you are doing better than that last post. If you are, *whew* that was a close one. If not, think to a place where you are always appreciated and loved. You know where. Now nod and smile as you are thinking "yeah freakin' great. My car's a mess and people at work are butts, and Kelly's waxing all poetic and sappy on me." So as not to create that illusion, I will say, I (and hopefully Ashley) will be down there on Fri., and there will be drinking and presents and drinking, none of which you will have to pay for. It is your Birthday so you are the Birthday...uh...King!...Man!...Monkey! So suck it up, soldier! (I've been in the car for the past three days, cut me a break).

Not a word was written on this trip. Trepidation to try plagues me, once again. Am I doing the right thing?