Glutton for Punishment

The cluelessness (feigned or genuine) astounds me.  But what is even more spectacularly astounding is my eager willingness to deal with it. 

Bad

Bad, bad bad, the reaction I just had to some news that I was given.  It was relief over negative news at work for someone else - relief because it didn't directly effect me...I was not "in trouble".
 
This tells me that I am not in a good place - this tells me that I am walking around between these walls waiting for the axe to drop and that is a horrible feeling that I shouldn't be dealing with.  And it's my fault that I am.
 
I don't like the person who is so cowed at this point that she would think like that. 
 
It's just not worth it.

People.

Respect your support staff. Whether you're in a corporate setting, a restaurant, a grocery store...understand that these people are actually the ones who make things run. And run smoothly, so you don't have to worry about it.

Our receptionist is like a ring-leader in a circus. And she is on point; she makes sure of it. She's been at this gig for 20 plus years and knows more about what goes on in this place than we do. When you work with her, not against her because you can't be bothered to defer to her better judgement, she will make sure that you look good and make your life that much easier. When you are running around like an idiot, it's your fault, not hers.

You could not do your fast-paced job without her. So say hello when you walk by, even if you don't need anything. Ask her for things, don't tell her. Communicate with her, don't assume that she doesn't need to know.

This applies to any setting that you are in - it's a team from the bottom up, but those on the "bottom" are just as important as those on the "top." And in the real world, the one where you are not that important, there isn't a bit of difference between "bottom" and "top", except maybe in attitude.

So be respectful. Dammit.

It's as simple as this, here it is
Couldn't spell it out more clearly
There's only today, and the freeway,
And the pain that keeps you near me

The animation, of sinking souls,
Strung along a telephone pole
It's easy to miss

You could circle the earth
The universe
We're shadowed in the same light
It's coming undone
So you run
While I'm circling the drainpipe

An invitation to just forget
Well I'm not finished yet, I got big plans

Cut off the table, hon and do the math
Washed out and faded like a photograph
And I spell out your name across the overpass
It's as simple as that

It's as simple as this
What I miss, I will carry to the last day
Deliver my spark
Through the dark
To the angels in the ashtray
Saturation of hopeless need
But as the asphalt bleeds
Curtains rise and

Someday you'll find me standing in your path
Whether deep in the background of some photograph
And you'll see your name scrawled across the overpass
It's as simple as that

Simple's hard enough now anyway
Simple's hard enough now anyway

Someday you'll find me standing in your path
Somewhere deep in the background of some photograph
And you'll see your name scrawled across the overpass
Someday you'll find me standing in your path
Somewhere deep in the background of some photograph
And you'll see your name scrawled across the overpass
It's as simple as that
Simple's hard enough now anyway
Simple's hard enough now anyway
Simple's hard enough now anyway
Simple's hard enough now anyway

- The Solids

I want to be the next Jane Austen:

"...enduring power of Austen's genius as a writer; he ability to create singular characters who linger in one's imagination, her unparalleled sense of irony and wit, her brilliant dialogue, and her carefully woven plots. At the same time, Austen delivers a satisfying romance...and the sheer happiness of her main characters at the novel's end has its own appeal."

My eyes are leaking.  Hate it when that happens.
 
Oh.  And I think I'm gonna puke.  This is why I don't do emotions...at least why I don't do them well.

Shiver

I just had a little tingle that ran up my back that felt so. good. ...it was like an angel's devilish wing stroked my spine.  It reminded me of purity and lush, deep feelings that pause time.  In a few seconds I felt a rush of fresh air and this deep ache.
 
Stunningly delicious moment.

Quite a feat. What you just did. My edge is so far out there that if you reach it, and push me over it, you at least deserve the applause that you get from the few that stand on the precipice with you.

Welcome, my friend. They say.

Welcome to the club of few who see her turned back, as it sprouts the wings that it needs to surpass the edge, and fly away. Move on, if that's what you need to hear to understand.

This is the stupidest bullshit in the history of bullshit.  Zit on my face and I revert back to the insecure 15 year old who wouldn't look people in the eye and was practically mute (unless incensed or otherwise provoked) so people wouldn't look at her face.
 
Ridiculous.  If nothing else from all of the crap that I have put myself through, I should at least be able to resort to remembering I have a strong backbone and "this too shall pass" and all that jive...I refuse to believe that I have struggled for nothing...

Why?

Why. Am. I. Sitting. In. This. Office. When. The. Sun. Is. Shining. For. The. First. Time. In. Days. And. It. Is. Warm. Outside. For. The. First. Time. In. Months.  ?!?!?
 
Oh yeah.  Because my job has me whipped like a plow mule.  At least that ass gets to be OUTside.
 
 

I used to be a good writer.  I used to be funny, and insightful, and dexterous in the way that I spun words together to form a story, a world, a point.
 
Now I am dumb and encumbered by life's crap detritus and I can't seem to dig my nails into the grimy wall of this hole in order to pull myself out.  Clawing and screaming and shaking my ineffective fist I pause to sit at the bottom and wrap my arms around my knees, lay my head down and wish for defeat.  But I know that it will never come because I will never give up...
 
I am just resting my soul.  Building up my strength, my resolve, fixing a point with my mind's eye and aiming for it.  Don't worry - no matter how many times I have to try, I will Ne-ver give up.  Don't worry, don't worry.
 
You know I am talking to myself, don't you?

Hurry UP!

Hurry hurry, before you get buried under so much emotional baggage and bullshit that you won't be able to create a sentence anymore, let alone a full book of them.

Shit shit shit shit SHIT.
 
That is all.

These are your choices

Make it funny, make it a lesson, or let it torture you needlessly forever.
 
Bless.

My life is a series of corners that I turn to find the light.  One day I would at least like to exist in the light for a greater length of time...at least until a sweet darkness falls each night.

Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.

- August Wilson quotes

Him: "Kelly, you are a beautiful disaster."
Me: "Thank you."
Him:"The disaster part doesn't bother you?"
Me: "No. The beautiful part does."
Him: "Then why did you say thank you?"

Me: "Because it means you know who I am."

No. Peter Pan. I do not have a twin.

And the mold shattered when they made me, so it's a slim chance that you'll find anything close to compare.

Bless.

glazed gazing

I wrote this 5 days after I moved to Manhattan...I want this girl back: glazed gazing

There is not a sound in this world that I could give voice to, wrap my vocal cords around, that would do justice to the noise in my head.