This one goes out to all you Monkeys out there.
And the next time I try to deny my instincts, you all have my full permission to smack the stupid out of me.

My finger to the world, ok not so much the world but men (Matt, this is the bitterness coming out in a healthy way, sans BB gun, aren't we glad) is going to be a resoundingly witty comentary on my state of "affairs" from beginning to present. Some titles I threw around today: "How to Treat People, No Really, You Need to Learn", "Trials and Tribualtions of a Drama Queen", "Comments on the Three R's: Restaraunts, Retail, and Relationships," or by far the most laughable favorite "You Guys Suck : Here's why." It'll be an article publshed in some dreadful women's magazine, and damn if I shouldn't send it to every last one of "them", just for old time's sake. My promise to myself is that I will NOT be bitter, because that is letting unworthy people influence my life and don't ya know that ain't gonna happen to me. But I've got to get it all out of my system somehow and might as well have some fun and profit from it while I'm at it. I've always thought I should have been paid for my time anyway (yes I realize what that sounds like) if I'd have charged a therapist's rates I would have been rid of A1A ages ago and halfway through grad school by now.

I've been writing really, so unfolded below are pieces from the mish-mosh.

1/18/05
...The miracle of youth, I tell you. I ACTUALLY believe that I can, and WILL, do whatever I want to. Personally, professionally... So far though, I haven't been able to figure out what's stopping me.

STUPID INVISIBLE WALLS

I'm a virgo. I like these notebook lines. Pages with no lines stress me right the hell out. Nice little blue guiderails for me to follow. At the same time, the very same time, I want to obliterate the sons of bitches.
Write
OUT
of
order
IN RED
syawedis *um* <---- backwards?

The problem is, I don't want different if someone, anyone else, has done different. Not *good enough* for me dammit, if it is not starkly original. In this world, filled with billions of people - real, not real, fun, lame, hurting, happy, forward thinking, archaic, ALL OF THEM...I defeat myself, because, (stomp feet here) "well I could write in a spiral too, but some FLAKE whose smoked too much weed in order to 'free the' frikkin' 'mind' has already done it, winning a published book and all the accolaids that come from telling to box to pack up and head on down the road." My screw you to the universe is to not EVEN TRY.

Ewww, control yourself, you praise fed little recognition monster. Nobody but you cares why or how but you anymore, why doncha get over it and bust the way you really want to bust? Too...polite? Too...afraid?

you want people to feel your color.
gotta let go of it first.

Hell, gotta come out of the grey first. Fins some black and white. Be ok with the red of putting your foot down and standing up to it all, the blue of each unexoected voice, purple doubt, fuschia love, the purity of living life without fear.
----------------------

1/30/05
(blue pen) Good-bye, love-house. Thank you for taking care of me - shelter, peaceful porch, warm solace and all. I will miss you as my first. Good-bye, sturdy house to my clumsy body.
-----------------------

2/19/05
*Suddenly*

I feel sure that most of the blood has beensucked out of my BRAIN and is pumping furiously towwards my HEART-

It's taking too much room, consuming all of my energy, making it hard to see anything
else and I want it to stop beating or go back to normal.
--------------------

2/27/05
I want to dance, but I can't quite give up the heels yet, in some circumstances. I want to love, but fuck you if you want to track my heart, my soul, my being. I want to rage, but smile and hug you. I want it all and I want nothing. It's the same, right?
-----------------------

3/1/05
I am paralized with fright. Absolutely immoble. I can't stop thinking I can't get away from it I just want my mind to stop working.

3/2/02
I cherish that cookie.
Savor every bite.
Because, it was earned by my persistence and desire to be accepted by people that I respect,
by being myself
Not a chamelion
or a muse
who caters to
other
people's
whims.

There is more, but my eyelids keep trying to steal kisses from each other so I must leave this for now. As was expected, to be continued.