YOU LAUGH TOO LOUD...God, can I never win?



Check THIS out...

The focus of the lens was blurry, as was the focus of my eyes after having crawled out of bed just seconds before. I crack open a lid (yes, I open my eyes after rolling out...that's probably hazardous to my health, huh?) to find that the sky is blood red, doused with black clouds...and I am instantly, painfully, shriekingly awake... "Holy Crap!" then a lot of tripping and slipping and cursing until "yes!!" I found my camera and then "NOOOO!!" I found it with a dead battery. No worries, I will never be defeated for long... you can count on that. I scramble for the power cord, attach to camera, then to the closest outlet to the balcony. Picture me standing in the sliding glass doorway at 6 am holding my camera which is cradled on its port which is plugged into the wall, trying to be steady enough to capture five seconds of beauty. As you can imagine, I bite my lip through from concentration and several more foul words formed on my tongue before I got this...



I stood there in my bare feet, on my balcony that may well be tested for samples by the CDC, and...just what? I was just very still (odd) I just wasn't really thinking much (really?) and I was just very awake (amazing for the sleep to wake ratio that I continue to torture myself with.) I find that I worship these little things...and I am afraid. Adaptable to major change, but afraid, none the less. My biggest fear? Loss. Everything else, tied in somehow. But fear Will not always rule me, even if it is the only thing that I manage to do.

I stare, and breath, stare and breath to imprint, tatoo the image on my brain, sear the colors into my heart. I thank God for this, I ask him to continue such little blessings. Wonder what would happen if things changed...would I find them however I could, or would I let myself be destroyed along with the rest of the world...and I break. To rush into the shower. To shake my fist at the fairies that were supposed to come in the night to do my laundry, but didn't. I sigh when I think of prodding myself onto the cattle car of the subway, and then sigh again when I think of the day that's ahead of me. I continue my day in this vein with a lot of eye-rolling, impatient hand gestures, smart-mouthed comments, tapping fingers and wiggling feet. My only goal, make it to the end of the day so that I can distract myself with whatever I find interesting until I get to do it again...yikes, and again the next day.

FINE.

So I'm describing a large percentage of our society. I will never argue with you when you tell me that everyone does this. At some point. For some amount of time. Or, forever. Fine. And just so's ya know, there enough of the above tiny blessings in my life to keep me a very happy girl. Here's the point (finally!) I have much to be thankful for, a lot that I have been given, and a lot that I have been lucky enough to learn (without dying, going to jail, or...well you get it) But I also have a lot to give. Personally, professionally, spiritually. I know the time will come. Or rather, it's all just going to come busting out, and I'm sure in the strangest way. And I am patient...ish. I guess I feel the need to tell as many people as I can that I will do something, until I actually do it.

My proof? The pictures above. I was my biggest nay-sayer. I will always be. But I walked away from the no-ways and stays when I thought I couldn't. When I thought that it would
be easier to unearth my heart from behind my ribs and hand it back to them. I did. I walked away.

And I guess I will again. It'll be something huge that will inspire me to stay.