OLD STUFF:

Wednesday, July 09, 2008
"Who’s butt did you kiss to get in here?" Current mood: determined
..."Well, the list is long, but distinguished."
A cute reference to Slider's package is made at this point in the movie, which I will substitute with:
"Yeah, so is the list of frogs that I am accumulating..."
Evidently I am on a Top Gun quoting spree today, good for me.
I am the kind of dork that likes to type. I like to hear the sound of the keys click-clacking, the fact that I've been able to type without looking at the keyboard since I was about 10 or so; I like to watch the words form quickly, letter by letter across the screen. What was once vast whiteness is now marked with something that I created. Even if it's just an e-mail.
I like writing with a pen better, though. Especially gel or fountain pens with that richly pigmented ink. I like to watch it sink into the paper, tatooing the pulpy skin of a fresh sheet. I like to imagine writing on my own skin, letting the ink sink in and mingle with my blood. Ink and blood in my veins. Words to spare, sentences forming as quick as the sheen of sweat on a muggy day. I got your stories. I got your words. I got it all right here...
...yeah. Right Here.


Monday, March 24, 2008
Souls on a River Current mood: sad
I’m walking along the streets of New York and my eyes are day-glo green because I’m crying them out. I walk along, never slowing, not even noticing that people are looking at me, and listen to my Mom tell me that my 82 year old Grandfather was happy that he got to hug and kiss his 92 year old brother good-bye before he died.
Sure puts an interesting spin on the happiness we strive for, right?
One day I think we’ll all be by the River again. Catch a few for me, Uncle Wilmer.


Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Oh for God’s Sake.
Ag, GOD!!!! Grrrrr...back up OFF of me!! I swear to God, it was like I was a magnet for...just...CRAP this morning!! I get up at 5:30 am. That's disharmony enough for the day, right there. My pants were too tight, the cat shredded my hamper, and then proceeded to scratch me in the face for good measure. It was too warm when I was walking to the train, so I try to wiggle out of my coat, looking like a maniac in the process, only to find that somewhere in the shuffle I lost the rubber part of my earbud to the abyss. I HATE riding the train without my ipod. BOO! Then I get on a nearly empty train, and at the VERY NEXT stop some jackass with personal space issues gets on and stands about 2- seconds-away-from-getting-a-back-hand away from me. He proceeds to pull out his broke down refilled since last April water bottle that sounds like 35 sheets of bubble wrap being popped at one time when he drinks from it and suckles from it like a baby COW. And he's still 2 inches from me, by the way, no matter how many times I do the "get away from me" dance. Then at the NEXT stop (I've only been awake for two hours at this point, folks. This day is looking questionable) a power-walking purse-flauntin' Starbucks-carryin' woman gets on and stands right behind me. Well hell, now I'm boxed in. I got bottle sucker on the side and Louis V gym rat to the rear. I'm pretty sure I had a small seizure trying to keep my composure. I looked around at 23rd St. when I got off to find that I had left a hole in the crowd of every single standing person on the train, while tumble weed blew by down the emptiness that was the REST of the car.
...WTF!?!?!?
Now all I can think of is soothing my frayed nerves with a large dose of caffeine. As I am making my way to my usual coffee station, this big bleary man with the coloring of a tomato steps IN FRONT OF ME, takes a cup, and gets his coffee. I just stand there, jaw agape and wagging in the wind. I say "WOW." 'Cause I really am just amazed right now. He turns around looks at me and says, cheerfully mind you (can't he even have the decency to be rude at this point?) "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you behind me."
Huh.
Then how'd he know why I said wow?


Monday, February 11, 2008
Acting as opposed to... Current mood: chill
Reacting, no?
Instead of "here's what I'm going to do b/c of what you did."
I prefer "Here's what I'm going to do." Period.
I know what I have asked for is going to be a hard one. I know what it will take and when I don't know what it will take I know that I will have the where-with-all to figure it out. My mantra, as my fingers worry the cool stone beads of a rosary made for me by a woman who, in her illness, learned of "faith" instead of "religion"...my mantra is act instead of react.
If I spend my energy dancing whenever you aim your gun at my shoes, I am going to lose. Lose a lot more than the leather from my boots, too. I am going to lose me. And I am working so hard to maintain that girl. I"m not ready to let her go yet to bad habits and ghosts.
Tangible is my goal. I'll look you in the eyes someday. Stroke your check.
Until then, I'll worry my beads. And listen when spoken to.


Thursday, December 13, 2007
"When you fish for love... Current mood: giddy
bait with your heart, not your brain."
That Mark Twain. Whatta smart man.
Although, as I've recently come to see it, I ain't fishin' for shit. My heart can be fed with other nourishing things and my brain can be occupied with making my life what it will be. Besides. When I used to fish with my grandfather off the end of their dock with bamboo poles, he always caught more fish than me. Ya know why? Because while I jiggled my foot, slapped at misquitoes, made the bobber dance around on the surface of the water, pulled my bait up ten thousand times to see if it was still there, jerked my pole back b/c I always thought I got something when I didn't, he would just sit there. Sometimes I thought he was dead. He didn't talk. He didn't sigh or fidget, he just sat. And the fish came to him. When I was little I always wondered what he was thinking about to keep him so quiet. When I got older I realized that he wasn't thinking about a darn thing, and that's why he could sit there like that. He was content. Just happy to be sitting on his dock, with his granddaughter and a pole in the water.
And the fish came to him.