Ya know what, no...

"He would like you if you'd let him."

 

A statement which promptly elicited an eye roll and a terse "he's been given ample opportunity to 'like me'.  Now shut up with the girlie stuff and drink your beer."

 

This is not the first time that this has been said to me, and it probably won't be the last.  And it usually always gets an eye roll, universal indicator of "that's crap".  I know the difference between letting someone care for me, and having to poke, prod, and cajole to persuade someone that it really is ok to care for me.  For one, I'm not that frantic to be in a relationship.  Two, I am not your mother and therefore will probably throw in the towel if I have made it readily apparent that I see you for who you are, like you for that, don't want to change it, and you for WHATEVER reason can't handle that.  There are times in life that you have to fight to love someone, but if I don't have the foundation, then I likely don't have the patience.  So even if those feelings might be lurking in there somewhere, and even if the might be obvious to everyone that knows me and him, it's outta my hands.  

 

I know that I am weird and I know that people wonder about me and I know that the way that I come across is not always the way that I am.  That said, I also know when I've tried and struggled enough to get my point across and the struggle just becomes futile.  There have been a few men that I've cared deeply about (Caleb, for one, which is probably why I am so resistant to this line of thinking) who just couldn't freakin' handle it.  Honestly, I would almost rather "I just don't feel the same way, Kelly" than "I do absolutely feel the same way but I don't know how to deal with it."  Not only have you made it difficult and seemingly stupid for me to care about you, but you're also showing a weakness that is bewildering, which hurts just as much.  

 

Which is why I so vehemently refuse to make it about me.  Yeah, right, I am the one who's throwing a wrench in the cogs.  It's me that has been as transparent as my emotionally retarded little heart will allow, but I am the one who won't let him in.

 

Eye roll, call bullshit, and move on.