My hand
flashes in and out
of the sunlight
like the fickleness
of my mind

to be the lamb
or the wolf
wearing both skins
is damn near impossible

**********************

Every day I learn how-not-to...how not to look down my nose at other people because my actions (or lack there of) surprise me about once every hour. How not to let go of dignity and respect, in whatever form I cherish it. When I am single and lonely, literally throwing 'bows to stand on my feet and not be crushed in the pit of, let's call it society, sometimes those two things are all that I have. And I can wake up the next day and be happy to have them. I am reminded everyday of how not to put people on pedestals. It's so damn disappointing when they come up short, and you see them bustin' out the step ladder to climb back up there every time that they fall. Even more disappointing when I'm right there beside them with a taller ladder - for it turns out I can't seem to keep my balance, either. How not to wonder what other people would do, or how they will react to what I do. "What do you think - what would you do?" If it mattered, we would all be living this gigantic joint life, called robots, or beings without souls...
What I am working on now is how not to be indecisive. At this point in my life, I would rather jump without looking and sort it all out later than calculate every inch of the fall as I make my way down.
I think I'll work my way off the pedestal in my head first, though.
Then maybe I'll start with a kiddy pool.

Karma has a hard payback rate

************

It's funny, 'cause I really wanted to know you. I'm still not at the point where I would hold my breath over anyone, (we'll see if my face ever turns blue) but I genuinely wanted to see what you were all about, and I wasn't concerned about getting jerked around. This is unusual. As per, I lovingly cut my men from the herd called "not for me, but then I know that, 'cause they're all jerks." If you know it's not worth it, it's easier to lick your wounds and move on. Fade to me, cuddling my old friend disappointment, yet again. Even my confidence is asking "is it me? Really, am I doing something wrong?"

I think I figured out when I was fourteen that I am one big jumbled mass of contradictions. I am very sweet natured, but I can bust out with the forked tongue of a snake when ignorance or injustice abounds. Highly motivated, but willing to lay around in jammies all day, 'cause I don't really feel like doing anything. The shadow of shyness has always stalked me, yet I am a natural entertainer, albeit with a very dry sense of humor (thank you Grandpa Blake)
I like these things about myself. Even I don't know what to expect out of me. But sometimes, my opposing sides cancel each other out, and I wind up feeling like an empty human-shaped nut shell, because the real nut of substance doesn't always get a chance to grow.

"This is me, in a nut shell."
"But Kelly, there's nothing there."

For instance, when I was thinking about what to write in here, I wondered about rage. Sometimes I intuit that I could dig up a lot of good fodder for the garden that is my writing skills, if I could just lose it, totally rage and let go of all of my inhibitions. Such a tiny little space,the creative plot of land that is in my mind. Probably it would wreck it over and back again if I lost some of my control, but ironically, that's what I think I need. Funny, isn't it. If I could just freak right the hell out, just totally rage and let go of all my inhibitions, I think I would be better off. Crazy, but at least I could be creative.
When I learn how to balance my contradictions, I'll be all set.

"So, you lead a pretty, uh, fast life-style...Why are you interested in me?"

"Well, I'm tired of the threesomes..."

K, here's the thing. When you're in the presence "of a lady this time..." and she seems to be at least trying to keep up a ruse of respectability, probably that's not the best thing to come out of your drunken mouth. This being the line that tops all lines, my interest was sparked in compiling a list of other things boys say that have left us all with the same thoughts as Rachel on Friend's "Did you forget who I was for a minute?"

*Please note that I cannot be held responsible for the St. Auggie "vernacular" that proceeds...the dialogue that follows may give you just a peek into why I am so adamant about leaving this fair city, with all of it's quaint slackers and crack heads.

- So, I was trying to hook up with another girl, but she got way wasted and hooked up with some guy...but then I saw you, and I was glad that she left!

- What's your friend's name? (If you're not brave enough to ask her, then you sure as hell don't need to be dealing with me)

- Where are all the hot chicks?

- You're a man hater, huh? I bet I could change your mind.

- Will your man break my neck if I ask for your digits?

And for the moment, my all time favorite -

- Do you come here often?

No joke, you could see the teeth in the back of my head, I laughed so hard at this one.

Life at it's finest is hilarious, and at it's worst, ironic enough to be entertaining.

Why look - just jump...

Hallucinations brim
causing a facial tick
mastering the art of display
across a face that is locked
and mystery-less as a stone

how you would jump
if the stone you'd come to depend on
as expressionless
made heed spontaneously
in it's struggle to be more
than what you needed it to be

No more a stone
than you should be it's miner

***************************

And won't I always start with a crack at a poem. Always striving, anyway.