"Eddie, huh?
And you're a Marine?
Right. I gotta go. "

I swear to you I have radar.

Happiness of the day:
A new little person has been added to our extended family list. Welcome, Lillian Claire Kibler! You're just here, and there are so many that love you already. Bless, baby girl!

Saddness of the day:
Stace, it's so hard. I'm here for you babe, and we're keeping your Grandma in our thoughts. I love you.


You broke with your pattern
you want to let flow
the trillions of addicts
that make you so slow.
Each love that you're scared of,
each failure you meet
passes you the handcuffs
with a smile, so sweet.
Daggers will cut you
boulders will sway
only to tempt
all the passion away.
Chains will embrace you
and although you weep
your best bet for freedom
is getting to your feet.
Champion of nothing
but master of all
when beauty and charm lose,
what will save you from The Fall?
You can't stand the darkness
the light burns your eyes
grey areas create patterns
and no one will ever be the wise.
It all may destroy you,
your hard earned facade.
But do you want the world to lose you
and not even feel odd?

As the tears
penetrate the Level V
of my eyes,
the Pureness of
the First
Raw
un-thought of emotion
rolls down my cheeks,
Recklessly abandoning
The spirit of my
stubborn, sacred rigidness.
Finally, I am spent.

There is nothing so powerful as letting the walls fall down.

Even if only for a slip of time. Even if only in the dark, alone. Ironically, being alone in the dark with no walls makes me want to laugh, and cry, and lay my cheek against your heart...maybe not again, but definitely someday.

How's that for vague, Monkey?

Thanks to William and the Girls for a beautiful evening. My heart is too big to pin on my sleeve, filled as it is with love for this City. Filled as it is...my memories will always warm me.

I slept away the better part of yesterday...

Woke up long enough to speak to my Mom, and what did I tell her, of all the things I did yesterday?

I held a baby.
Might not mean anything to you, but it's Miracle Grow for my mind, apparently.

Well, the discovery was delayed, but I've finally found what Broadway shows are all about. The are all about FABULOUS! Yea, I said it. I was skeptical at first, but they really are quite magical. We saw The Odd Couple the first night, and it was flippin' hilarious. The energy between the actors, the detail of the sets, the reverence and tradition of the theatre goers...I'm tellin' you some of those people took this VVVERY seriously. The best thing was, I knew one of the actors (Mike Starr, who played Murray) and I got to see him on his second night with the show!! We went to see Rent the next night, and there are very few times that I can say something like that has made my face leak...literally, tears with no effort what so ever, they just CAME OUT. It was so beautiful, so passionate and sweet. What talented, amazing people.

I'm fighting all of the old demons, full force. Some I feel like I have under control...ummm, kind of, and others are really winning the battle. I feel like I've got the war all sewed up though, so I won't be too picky.

It's supposed to snow again tonight. I find myself looking for it every five seconds, because the first moments of snow freeze time. Makes everything quiet. It all stops, just for a fraction of an instant, and it is blissful. The flakes are fat and soft, feathery, like down from an angel's wing. Now I know I'm not caught smack in the middle of the bunches of snow storms back to back, so that's why I still like it now. Catch me next month when I'm bitterly cursing every particle of the white condensation.

I'm getting strong enough to face it all. I'm just becoming quite curious as to what "it" will be.

God. Fiiiinnaally...

TURN THE WHEEL, PULL THE BRAKE. "I turned the wheel, and pulled the brake. I am sooo not trying to be funny right now!"

Thank you Sammy Wright. You broke my heart, but I came out of our "relationship" with more than a few valuable lessons. Most having to do with cars, but none the less...

And YOU...I was so HAPPY to see you. Settling into yourself. Becoming more of the woman that I knew you will be. Whatever. It makes sense in my head.

Man, I can just HOPE that you read this.

What a ride this has been. 4 months gone, and it's still the same. Shawn says that it'll never change. I tend to agree with her, but then there's the fact that I refuse to say never. And I cannot even begin to describe the mixed emotions that I feel finally finding a home and then having to leave it. I say have like it was a necessity. Those that know me, know I'm not being typical drama queen. I HAD TO GO. The flip side of that may eventually be that I HAD TO COME BACK. But oh my GOD, I am loving every second of being there. Can my soul belong to two places and still find another soul to belong to?

"It's a beautifuull day..."

Yeah for the Ashley, AKA the Weather Girl, calling me three time from the U2 concert in Hot-lanta. I'm miles and miles away, and I still got chills listening to them over the phone. Two of the Four get to rock it out - I'm so simultaneously jealous of and happy for you.

Matthew if I knew your middle name I would put it here Hevey, if you do not call me soon I will begin to take it personally it's not as if I smell bad or look funny because I am far far away and I would rather not be worried about you anymore at least e-mail me your address so I can send you a CD that I bought specifically for you because the band made me think of you and I miss you so throw a sister a bone here. Whew!

I HATE BEING A WAITRESS. It's all in the title; SERVE-R. One who SERVES. Blech. Is what I think about that.

Oh boy, am I in a mood. Think I'll go to bed and let my spirit ruminate on this one in my dreams.

"Met a girl in the setting sun...
knew right away she was a special one...
lost the girl but she soon returned...
with one more chance and a
lesson learned..."

Alonely - Panic and the Rebel Emergency

That's right, I'm talkin' to you.

I saw a band tonight, at Arlene's Grocery in the East Village. A bit of sublime revisited. A bit of the St. Augustine, Stir It Up flavor. "Every little thing's, gonna be alright..." MY GOD. I fell in love again tonight. Such a voice. Such a combination of hemp cord and silk...the way life should feel, the way love should be. Rough and hard and beautifully sweet. And the energy - these guys loved each other, what they were doing, the music that inhabited their souls that they were now able to share with us. I know that I have some creativity of my own to share. And I think I should be so blessed.

So naturally my mind goes into high gear, and I start thinking of all the wise things I've heard people say about doing what you love. It seems to me that letting go of the inhibitions, reaching for what you want and what you really and truly desire, starts those things that are supposed to happen in motion. "Here I am life. Here is everything good, everything bad that I possess, take it, it's yours." In return, you get what you came here for. Not to say that life is a fairytale; all will be perfect in the end, with white horses and wonderful princes and castles in a cloudless, sunset-tinted sky. But life will be real, ya know? Something that just is, instead of an existence that is forced into some little mold that everyone assumes is happiness.

Thank God. Thank You so much for the music. The words. They are what life is to me. And thank You for allowing me to be in a place where all of this is at my fingertips.

"Here I am waiting...
waiting patiently...
'cause I know my blessing
is coming to me yeah
here I am kneeling on my knees
giving thanks and praises
for all I recieve yeah

Oh it's never as hard as it seems...
as long as there's life there are hopes
and dreams..."

Here I am - Panic and The Rebel Emergency

I really appreciate Irony. That's all I'm saying.

"This bread is cold."
"Well we can't have that, may I bring you some more?"
"But this bread is cold."
"Yes ma'am, and I'll be right back with some warm bread for you."
"Are you going to bring us some bread that's warm?"
"I sure will, and would you like some more warm bread as well?"
"Yes, that will be fine."

I swear, this woman was well over three hundred years old and that was the only reason her life was spared. My sanity, however, suffered a serious blow. What's funny is, the bread wasn't supposed to be warm. But you're not gonna find me arguing with an eccentric blue-hair whose got more money than Trump and probably more influence. She even asked me later if I was ok after I dropped that big tray. I wasn't in the dining room when the tray was dropped but I told her I was fine and it was nice that she was asking after my well-being. Her concern was touching really, even though she couldn't have picked me out of a line-up with all of the male waiters. It's not her fault she can't see.

I joke around, but really this lady was quite charming, if quite deaf. That's one of the things I love about working at this restaurant, the distinguished, older clientele. Two in particular stand out as my favorites.

The Gentleman

By far the most impressive gentleman I have yet to meet, a man who still lives up to the title, is Mr. Butler, who comes in every Sunday for brunch. He dines alone, though I am sure there would be several people willing to break bread with him. Many people know of him; you might say he has a fan club of sorts. Dapper to the point of beauty, he arrives dressed in a three-piece suit, overcoat, and umbrella, even when it's not raining. He knows several of us by name (including me, I am proud to say) and nods and smiles regally at the other guests as he is shown to his table. He has an appetizer, an entree and two glasses of red wine. The red wine served with his meal is always Italian...he is actually the reason we changed our wine list to include more Italian wines, because he diplomatically expressed his disappointment with the fact that there were so few on the list. Sometimes he splurges and orders dessert, but not often, and sometimes, between courses, none of us are surprised to see him catching a quick cat nap, chin resting lightly on his chest. I'm not sure how old Mr. Butler is, but if asked to venture a guess, I would say between 70 and 80. I am impressed by him simply because of the class that he exudes. He is gentle and kind, but commands respect, and I wouldn't be surprised if he knew the true meaning of life and several of the secrets involved with living well and happily. He wishes us all a good week when he departs, and heads on his way home. If only there were more like him.

The Retired New York Broad

I mean the term broad as no offense, but more of an admiring recognition of one of my own, well aged and funny as hell. Her name is Madeline, Miss Madeline to me, and while she annoys the aprons off of most the staff, I think she is brazen and therefore great. When I waited on her, she asked for a Bloody Mary "Less bloody and more mary...I swear I ask for it like that everytime, but it always come out the same way." complimentarysay, she enjoyed her complimetary beverage, as well as her friend's, because the hand that poured each drink was a bit heavy - I swear somebody knocked my elbow...both times. Madeline might come alone, or with a few friends, but she'll tell you that everyone she likes is dead and she's only passing the time with these people. Her friends may or may not be sitting there when she says it, and they'll either insult her back or blatantly ignore her. If her companions are a pain she'll tell you to ignore them, nevermind that fact that she is pushy and picky as well. But she can be charmed and becomes fabulous when she relaxes. It's the attention she desires, and she'll do what she can to get it. I'm all for giving to this wonderful character.

I hope I get to be as impressive as these two.

If I could expose my breast to you
open the cavity
that holds my reality
that tangible symbol of life
no doubt would be that I am alive.
Right?

Simplified, life is breath
sustenance, waste, and renewal.
It'd be a magnificent trick
to coax the soul into
thinking that life was simple.
As my attention fades
I think of all the simple things
that create life as a maze.

My sanity wanders
head thrown back
arms outstretched,
I turn in faster and faster circles,
spinning, dizzying. Giddy.
Embracing it all and understanding
nothing permanent.

The perception shifts every second
that I turn in this spiral
here a question
there an answer
then a feeling
next a logical derivative
explaining said wayward toss of my heart.

When I stop spinning
the horizon tilts
I grasp my knees,
and know that I must become intent
on a fixed spot in the distance
so as not to faint dead away
fall permanently
into spinning routine
of doubt and expected deliverance.

It is fall.
And my nose is cold,
and I am happy
from acting like a five year old.
As my head clears,
Hazy Distance becomes sharper
colors bolder, impressive.

It is so still in this cold.
so beautiful, and yes, simple.
I will that cold clarity to seep into my bones
even with the recognition
that anything warm
will be gratefully accepted to change it.

Your words
behind me
leave subtle grievances...
but nothing I can't handle.

When you nurture your soul, and will it to radiate from the very core of who you are, you will find others who are doing the same. No matter where you are, no matter what you have been through. Life is hard, but it is so worth it.

Never deny Me.
Never deny My children.
You might not know why, but take care of My people.



Do you know that I think about you?
And my guilt makes me guilty?
I can hear the pittance
rattling in your cup
like your bones
in a body ravaged by the world
and your mind.

There is a double-edged sword
that hovers always round my pulse points
drawing not blood but hot white tears
of frustration and confusion.
I cry searing intentions and doubts
then get wounded by the blade of the sword
inscribed with
"But what did you do?"
next second
a fresh cut is opened by the side that says
"But what can I do?"

In a blanket
seeming to have grown out of concrete
you appear but invisible.
people hand you their shame
disguised as clinking metal coins
and I wonder if you can even see them anymore.
Do you judge them,
as they judge you?

I'll sit across the street from you
forever in my mind.
I'll watch as you tremble
with a sickness,
stare as you writhe
in your own private hell.

My arms ache to hold you,
to hand you to God.
My mind glues my Indignant Hero Skin
to the other side of the street,
where I have been blessed enough
to arrive...

SERVER NOT FOUND. Hmmm. Well, that's Ironic, idn't?

When I stand in my bathroom, I can hear opera. A strong, cultivated voice wafts up from somewhere in the building, and I smile. Even when I am sloth-esque and dim eyed in the morning, the sound of her voice makes me breath. She is practicing her trade, here to fulfill a dream like so many others. I may have seen the opera singer in passing, but other wise she is completely anonymous to me. Even so, I feel connected to her. Which is something that is unusual to my mind. Roots are a coveted thing in my imagination, and very rarely have I felt the rich earth permanently surrounding mine. Here, the energy is something that you can just plug in to. There is not a precise something that you need to fit. You take the energy and make it your own, whatever shape, form, consistancy you want it to be. Sometimes I feel like I'm the round peg getting shoved into the square hole, but it's fleeting, and that's a good thing.

I went to a Rosh Hashanah service with Robbie yesterday. Of course my appetite for all things religious was whetted immediately. I was very touched to share this New Year celebration with Robin and Dotan, to experience the community bond and feel the current of a different type of faith. Different principles, different beliefs, but the message is the same to me. It's all about love and acceptance. Making peace with yourself and the world, and nurturing your relationship with God. Doing good things and contributing positiveness into this convoluted world.

Here are two prayer that really struck a chord in my soul:

Prelude to the Amidah

Don't let me fall
Like a stone that drops on the hard ground.
And don't let my hands become dry
As the twigs of a tree
when the wind beat down the last leaves.
And when the storm rips dust from the earth
Angry and howling,
Don't let me become the last fly
Trembling terrified on a windowpane.
Don't let me fall.
I have so much prayer,
But as a blade of your grass in a distant, wild field
Loses a seed in the lap of the earth
And dies away,
Sow in me your living breath,
As you sow a seed in the earth.

**************************

And I have felt
A presence that disturbes me with a joy
of elevated thoughts; a sense sublime
of something far more deeply interfused
whose dwelling is the light of setting suns,
and the round ocean and the living air,
and the blue sky, and in the mind of man:
a motion and a spirit, that impels
all thinking things, all objects of all thought
and rolls through thinking things.

*****************************

Introduction to the Amidah

I yearn for God,
I seek God's face,
I ask of God the power of expression,
so that I might sing, amid my people, of God's power.
I express my joy in God's creative acts.
I know that thoughts are human but that poetry belongs to God.
I ask of you, my sovereign, open my lips. Then shall I tell your glory.
May my words of prayer, my heart's meditation be seen favorably, Precious One,
My rock,
my champion.

Amen.

I CAN'T HELP THE WAY MY FACE IS. SO BACK OFF.

Listen UP:

I am 4 years away from 30, and I have been playing with you fools since I was 22. I have not the tolerance for your tired mantras, so find a girl who looks like she's listening, and throw your BS game her way. If I look aloof, it's because I'm not interested in you. I don't have the energy to be cute to your face and then roll my eyes when you walk away. I prefer for you to know from the beginning, that way we're not wasting each other's time. Bitchy? Probably. The reason that I'll be single for a long time? Maybe. Please forgive me for not settling for typical. If you think that I'm down for what you're after, I'm not. And if you really want to know me, you have to try as hard as I do. And I try hard. Sheesh.

New pet peeve:

Guys that I've just met telling me to loosen up. "Smile girl! Have some fun!" I saw a girl nestle a drink in her cleavage last night, and then a brawn but no brains picked her up and tilted her just the right way so that he could drain the drink from its precarious position. What, because that's not my idea of fun, I'm not having any? If I don't have a 3000 watt perma-grin shellacked onto my face, I'm not a happy person? Bite me, how's that for happy? I couldn't behave that way if I wanted to (lack of cleavage). Quit harassing me because you don't know what to do with the girl who doesn't simper and stand on her head to get your attention. And what about this for a novel approach: "Hi my name is (insert your name here). What's your name? Nice to meet you!" So easy. So refreshing and attention getting. Absolutely and utterly impossible, apparently.

But I digress from my happy outlook on life. Uhhh...yeah, ok. We'll go with happy outlook for now.

Kick back in my step, smile on my face, and confidence back in my voice. Yeah...yeah, I can do that.

That was one of the best conversations I've had in a long time.
Thank you, Daddy.

I miss you all. A lot. And it sneaks up on me, making tears leak out of my eyes, no matter how much blinking and fanning I do. I'm not above crying in a bathroom stall, and I'm trying not to strain beneath the weight of my own criticism. I am happy for the new smiles, the new languages, the new grace...it's the old smiles and familiar tones and worn in, comfortable grace that are reminding me of who I am right now, that are whispering to me even if I think the air is silent. I find power in knowing you are there, and you know me for who I am. And love me so.

Even if I forget to give you a spoon.

A fight broke out. Origin, unknown. Yelling, bowing up, removal of clothing to prepare the fists for full swing. Women, screaming on the side, using logic and shrillness to diffuse the climax of this scene. A child darts out, and yanked aside by the arm like a precious stuffed monkey, she might have wondered during her arc through the air between the sidewalk and safe haven of store door, "why are they fighting?" Circling ensues, like prize fighters in the ring, like a bull and a matador intent on the others first move. An arm is extended, the hand rigid. Fed by the world's movie bred illusions, the air waits to be filled with gunshots. But no, it's an olive branch, not a piece of deathly steel. The opponent's body language stutters, and then comprehension clears the tension from the air as if it was erased. They grasp hands, a man's handshake. Much gesturing and explaining leads way to a man hug, the stout grip of opposite paws, the chest touch, and the vigorous back pounding. Resolution sings a bittersweet song. It is much better to be relieved and whole than to be proven right and dead.

All of this was executed in English, in my neighborhood, at the end of a busy day. It could have happened on mars in a Martian dialect, for all I understood. I don't even have to leave my house - there's theatre in the streets.

I walk A LOT. Which I love. And my feet hate. My toes and heels look like they're about to fall off. I think they might, just to prove a point. And walking in fit-lops in New York City gives new meaning to the term "Jiffy feet." Alicia ain't got nothin' on me no more.

So, I'm trying to take mytendenciesendancies and use them as a ladder to climb to a different level in my life. Because, as I've said countless time before, the things I fret about, the things that I really let fray my nerves, they are stupid things, compared to what others have to worry about. I have to concentrate on being as large in reality as I am in my mind, in my fiction. It is a struggle for me to use my voice, but I have to find ways to give it strength. My life is GRAND, isn't it?

I've mentioned it here before, but I just want to put the thought in your hearts again. My Aunt Jan Kibler (not my Dad's sister, but my Mom's best friend) is not doing well. She is in the hospital right now, and the easiest to say is that it's complications from surgery. Please pray for her. For her recovery, her strength. And pray for her husband, and My Boys. She really needs all of the positive energy she can get. She has much to live for.

PURSUE HAPPINESS.

Who knew that happiness could take so many forms?

I don’t suppose
That you could hold my heart
For but a minute
I’ll take it back
When it is done
In the meantime
It’s better that you have it.

Meaning no offense
Just trying to be heartfelt
Itself
This beating thing
Has turned me in again
To a fluttering bull
Pirouetting through
The Devotion china shop.

This thing
Out of touch with my brain
Tells me that the china shop
Is safe
Is sane
But no, oh not to be fooled
I belong in a heartland
Where I can stampede.

Not tiptoe.

So you can have it
For now
Give it back
When it’ll let go
And has learned the lesson
That most seem already to know
Risk is necessary
Chance is the nourishing blood,
Understood, but love is dual.

Pride and disinterest are not.



Step aside please. I have a beautiful life to attend to and create everyday, so I don’t have time for you, damn meddling thoughts. I am right with the world. Living my dream. Stepping out of my comfort zone and pushing myself beyond my limit every chance I receive. So be gone, your shenanigans are not needed here.

Once again, I am turning to ambiguous, generic yet meaningful encrypted thoughts to convey how I feel, instead of trying to push an envelope that I have mailed and gotten back, return to sender, countless times. I have to be constantly reminded that just b/c I feel a certain way, have standards of treatment and a specific way of doing things, doesn’t mean that all of the people I have interacted with share my views.

For example…you, you big f-ing shadow.

I have the worst possible track record when it comes to caring about men who don’t reciprocate. Or maybe they did care for a fraction of an instant, and I chose to interpret too much or just not let go when the time came to do so. Or maybe they did but I was just much more than they could handle. Or maybe they did but I pushed too hard. Or maybe they did but they were UNABLE TO DEAL WITH THEIR OWN SHIT and therefore had not the capacity to try and deal with mine too (do you see why just THINKING is exhausting for me?).

You will notice, of the above “or maybes” only one shares the burden with one of the past…things. Some people can accept the fact that things don’t work out, for whatever reason, and then they, what? Say it with me, class, “MOVE ON.” I have a horrible habit of blaming myself and thinking that I could have changed things, when really things weren’t even worth the effort to change, because I was the only one trying.

Well, I’ve moved on. I am willing, ready and able to step away from fear and stop holding doubt’s hand. I am trying to make better choices, and take more risks, if you can do both at the same time. My life is constantly reshaping itself, and my brain and heart and soul are constantly shifting their focus, so that eventually I will be able to obtain my goals. I know how I deserve to be treated, because I have been treated so well all of my life.

What I’m having a hard time understanding is why I cried. Why I worried. Why my first instinct (and my instincts are usually true to form) was to call, and even if I wasn’t acknowledged, to let it be known that I was praying and thinking about someone who finds it easier than breathing to pretend that I don’t exist. It may be taking the higher road, and learning to swallow the swords of pride and stubbornness.

After I have dealt with the rollercoaster o’ crap that usually accompanies anything having to do with those who were once in my life but now aren’t for whatever reason, I am moved to this shocking sentiment. Whatever. All of the thinking in the world will not bring me the answers. But living my life without looking back at regret will bring me a better future. For all of the ways that I struggle, I know one thing to be true…

I am me, and I am damn good at it. And that’s all I can ask of myself, isn’t it?

That being said.

I heard about your accident, and I am terribly sorry you are hurt. My family is praying for you, and I wish you the best and quickest of recoveries. I would say that if you need me, I am here to talk to, but that would be futile, because you should already know that. If you don’t, it’s not because I haven’t tried. Too much.

I love you, all of you, and I miss you so very much. Thank you for listening, for cheering for me, for reminding me that I can do this even when I am sobbing and hollow with homesickness. The plan is to surpass even my expectations, which are very high. But whatever I do, I love it here, and there is no doubt in my mind that I am doing the right thing.

The things that I am worried about are so trivial.

There are things in this world that terrify me, infuriate me, insult my sensibilities right down to the very being of who I am. There are countless situations that I cannot control, and standing on the side-lines, feel that there has to be better solutions to a multitude of sins. But what am I doing? Worrying about whether or not I text-messaged a stale old ghost? Wondering where I'm gonna get a job, IF I can get a job that I want, if it will afford me the ability to live the life that I've been accustomed to?

Well, a big fat shut the hell up to these petty grievances. I have a place to live. I have food, clean water. My family and friends are safe and even if I get a job at a DRY CLEANERS for the interim, at LEAST I HAVE A CITY TO FIND A JOB IN.

I am SO SORRY. Half of the world that is not bitching about gas prices is wondering what to do, where to start, if they could even do enough. I believe that we could all walk out of the door today and find some way to help. If you don't know, figure it out. I think anything would do right now. If you can't afford money or time, which I understand, then pray. In whatever form you find prayer useful. We can all be useful, and if you find a need, please let me know. I will be searching too.

A few lines that calmed me today:

"...How do I guess at the future? Based on the omens of the present. If you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it. And, if you improve on the present, what comes later will also be better. Forget about the future, and live each day according to the teachings, confident that God loves his children."

"There is only one way to learn...It's through action. Everything you need to know you have learned through your journey."

"Don't give into your fears. If you do, you won't be able to talk to your heart."

And most importantly, which you all remind me constantly of:

"This is what we call love. When you are loved, you can do anything in creation. When you are loved, there is no need at all to understand what's happening, because everything happens within you, and even men can turn themselves into the wind. As long as the wind helps, of course."

-The Alchemist

My prayers are with you, you people of the ruins. I am sure that your hearts have filled past bursting, and you are just concentrating on getting them to beat again. I am so sorry for what you have been through and what you still have to go through. My prayers are for strength, unity, and healing. Bless.

A member of my extended family, as well as the loved ones that surround her, is suffering right now. Aunt Jan Kibler, I am thinking of you, and sending good energy your way. I love you very much and hope that this road isn't too long or too hard to bear.


I can do this, because I can do anything. I can keep my chin up, and I can rock this place. The way that I want to rock this place. I have so much at my finger-tips right now, it's humbling. But the energy of this city is empowering. I tell you, you can feel it. It's palpable. I don't know what's going to happen or how I'm going to do this...hell, I don't know anything at all. But I think that's half the fun. That's half of the experience in itself.

I have a view of the river
the strain of a song
tiny feet that will pitter
and a resolve that is strong
I'm watching aliens in windows
their naked expressions
my landscape
and great joy in a hand shake
this city is in me
been all along
I will court it and nurture it
and see what will come.
You wrap your arms around me
and I will accept these urban flaws
You use my energy to power your lights
And I'll use your lights to build
my energy into the power I desire.

Thank you for the opportunity.

Check list:

Yankees game (ten rows up, phenominal) check
Harbour cruise to observe the skyline of my New City, check
Getting on the wrong train, check
Giggling hysterically at the fabulous accents, check and double check
rushing off of the subway to find a break-dancing crew performing, then thinking, "My God, this is what I came here for," check
getting my ass grabbed twice in two days in the subway, check
wittnessing some kind of drama at Grand Central Station and thinking "God, what am I doing here?" check, once again.

The list grows everyday. All of my senses and emotions are %100 engaged and it is gloriously draining. This is what I wanted. Being gloriously drained leaves absolutely no energy for misbehaving.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I'M HERE!!!

"So tomorrow is just another day that I get to dance..."

I may falter, stumble, hesitate, and fall, but I will always get back up to dance. You can be sure of that.

Everything I see, everything I hear, all of the signs...

they're all about New York.

And that's good.

I could sell a book filled with all of the pep-talks I've been giving myself everytime I see a photo or a shot of the city on TV. I have a feeling I am going to be bruised from pinching myself for several weeks to come. And honestly it hasn't all really hit me yet. That may be a long time coming, definitely when I least expect it.

So now, I have to condense all of my into an essence. And I have to find the words to say thank you, the RIGHT way. Because without you people...I can't quite even imagine.