I don't need you.

I've got friends who will stand up for me in the face of an asshole consumer...
and a computer that plays DVDs. Sounds simple, but after what you had to offer me, what more can a girl want?

And yes, I did say thank you. Thank you for making me realize that there are things I need to change, but there are also things that are so good, the purity of such is enough to make me cry, again.

As long as I'm crying, I know that I'm still real. And there is not much that's more important to me than being real.

God, I am such a train wreck. It's fascinating, really.

And I don't understand it. Happy as can be, excited over a big step in my life, all my friends surrounding me, plenty of dates to take or leave...and what do I do?

"I like the dark and mysterious look."

I go out, I have fun goofing around and watching my dancing partner dance and dancing myself. I have good conversation with Amber, I fall into bed exhausted...AND WHAT DO I DO?

Plenty of people that love me and want to know me and care about my well-being. All these people who DON'T ignore me, DON'T make me feel bad, and ARE productive parts of my life. AND...what in the HELL do I do?

I...me myself and I, make me feel bad. I blame it on no one else but me.

"What do you want me to say, Kelly?"

I feel so bad right now, I don't ever want to hear you say anything again.

I'm such a fool.

I am strangely calm.

Even though I have a little over 2 weeks to sort, organize, have a garage sale, buy a plane ticket, pack...etc., etc., etc.

Calm before the deluge, I would say. I'm in the eye of the hurricane right now.

Very soon I am expecting emotional raindrops the size of basketballs. Winds at gale force pulling me in every direction. a vacuum inside where a lot things used to be...

Will they really be gone, or just jostled into another position out of necessity?

I know you are there. I know things are rough. And I wish you would talk to me, 'cause I'm scared out of my mind. You know it's not often that I say the word "need" to another human being. And at the same time, I understand the silence. So, I'm just waiting patiently.

Um, so now they have Peach Absolut...or Absolut Peach, or whatever other moniker they've attached to this new peach flavored vodka...yum-ee! As if I needed an excuse to drink more vodka, hmmmm.

Well, typically I bitch about my job and all of the idiot people that I encounter, so let's change it up a little. I had the nicest group of tables, collectively, than I've had in a LONG time. Sometimes I have A nice table or A nice round of tables, and this time, every table from beginning to end was cool. So there is hope for human kind as we know it. Because I had one evening of nice tables. I think my perception is a little off.

While I'm on a pleasant faux-rant, which is rare for me, I have to say anger at another's situation has made me reflect on my past in a more positive light. I've run the gamut with ex-boyfriends, from a guy who took up cheating on me like it was a sport to one who really and truly held my heart. Throw in a non-relationship and a man that still makes me want to scream, with a sprinkling of "you've got to be kidding me's" and you've got my basic recipe for love. But while the treatment might have been lacking, they all were really good guys. Well...yeah, some were/are/will always be really good mixed up guys. I am angry for my friend (angry meaning it's gonna be hard to keep from knocking this guys teeth into his head) but it's made me realize, as much drama as I have been through they never would have done me like this. And that makes me weirdly happy.

I'm prayin' for ya, little thing.

I feel brittle, like the outermost layer of an onion skin...
My skin is pallid and even my lips have lost color, and my body aches...
Is this stress rearing it's ugly head?

Or am I freakin' sick? All I want to do is sleep, I have a slightly sore throat...oh GOD, what if I have MONO?

Well, at least my DO is cute...hard to go in there lookin' like death warmed over though, isn't it? It would figure - getting ever closer to making a major move and I would get the kissing disease and I'm not even damn fortunate enough to be kissin' anyone, um, lately...

Probably I'm just a drama queen, which is what 90% of what goes on in my world can be chalked up to...

If any of you vague handful of people who read this thing are wondering where the explosion of verbal dia...*gross*...one more again...where the explosion of verbal diatribes (ha, tricked ya) has suddenly come from, the answer is way simpler than it usually is. No drama (past the norm) and nothing major going on (past the moving), but my superb parents got me a laptop (one word or two?) as an early b-day gift and I have just discovered that there is nothing cooler than lying in bed in the dark and typing away until my little heart is content.

Obviously by the ridiculous amount that I am posting, it is never content.

Or, probably more true to form is that there is a ton of stuff that I need to do and whatever else would I do but avoid doing it?

Ya know what's funny? I have known those Kibler boys all of my life. I've watched two get married and one become a Daddy to a precious little thing with another on the way, and I realized something that I have already verbalized several times: those boys have ruined me for settling. There is no way in this world I would accept anything less than what I see them giving the world. They are three more additions to my list of proof that there are still real men walking around, that they are honorable, fun, caring and dependable. (Not to say that any of those boys don't have their quirks, 'cause they all do. But aren't we females a li'l, um, quirky ourselves?) So that brings the list to about...well, whose counting? You know who you are.

THESE WORDS ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. THEY ARE NOT WORKING THEY ARE MEAGER THEY HAVE BEEN "MEASURED AND FOUND WANTING..." DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I QUOTED THAT RIGHT-WHY DOES IT TAKE ANGER AND DEEP SADNESS TO DRAW ON PAPER ANYTHING WORTHY OF WHAT I SAY AND FEEL IN MY HEAD AND SOUL?

*pause for breath*

I KEEP THREATENING THAT ONE DAY I WILL EXPLODE AND THEN NOBODY WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE THERE WHEN IT HAPPENS SOME SAY THAT I AM TOO NICE AND OTHERS SURELY THINK THAT I AM A RAVING LUNATIC OR AT THE VERY LEAST A BITCH, A SPECTRUM THAT I FIND AMUSING AND COMFORTING BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT MY LIFE IS NOT BORING AND I AM NOT LIKE YOU SOMETIMES I DON'T EVEN THINK THOSE THAT ARE CLOSE TO ME KNOW WHO I TRULY AM OR IF I'M NOT SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE PROBABLY BECAUSE I HAVE A HARD TIME COMING OFF THIS EVEN KEEL THAT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY EVEN THOUGH I RANGE FROM HIGH-MAINTENANCE-HI-MY-NAME-IS-KELLY-AKIN-TO-THE-SUN SO PLEASE REVOLVE AROUND ME *pant, pant* TO LET ME LAY ON THE FLOOR SO YOU CAN WALK ALL OVER ME NO REALLY IT IS MY PLEASURE...

*pause rant to contemplate that statement*

TRULY I DON'T ALLOW MYSELF TO BE TREATED THE WAY I WAS IN THE PAST ANYMORE, BUT STILL I AM TIRED OF BITCHING AND WONDERING ABOUT ME AND I SURE AS SHOOTIN' AM TIRED OF WONDERING AND BITCHING ABOUT YOU ALL I WANT IS TO LET GO OF THESE THINGS THAT I CANNOT CONTROL BUT EVERYTIME I DO YOU ARE STANDING IN MY DREAMS IN MY FIELD OF VISION WHEN I WAKE AND I SEE YOUR EYES AND I WANT TO HOLD YOU AND FIX ALL THAT IS SO CLEARLY BROKEN BUT THEN I SECOND GUESS MYSELF AND WONDER IF A ROLE HASN'T BEEN CREATED TO...TO...BBBAAAAAHH! I DON'T KNOW CREATED TO DO WHAT, CRAZY? AND THEN I FIND SMALL THINGS AND SEE SMALL THINGS AND REMEMBER SMALL THINGS LIKE YOU HOLDING ME AGAINST YOU, NOT LETTING ME GO STOPPING IN THE MIDDLE OF EVERYTHING JUST TO FEEL ME AGAINST YOU...AND I CRY. I CAN'T SEE THE FOREST FOR THE TREES. EACH LITTLE SAPLING WINDS ITSELF AROUND MY HEART AND MAKES ME FORGET ALL THAT I HAVE TO OFFER AND WHAT I REALLY WANT IS MORE THAN JUST MY HEART TO BE ENGAGED BUT MY SOUL AND MIND TOO AND MY LIFE...I WANT SOMEONE TO BE A PART OF MY LIFE AND WHY,OH WHY IS THAT SO DAMN HARD?

I AM TIRED OF PRETENDING THAT I DON'T CARE. 'CAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS, EVEN WHEN I HAVE GIVEN UP, COME TO UNDERSTAND THE FUTILITY, AND WALKED AWAY, I STILL F-ING CARE AND ISN'T THAT JUST A CATCH-22?


WELL.

Maybe the red bull wasn't such a good idea after all, I'm thinkin'.

No words, right? No coherent sentences?

'CAUSE GOD JUST ERASED THEM.

WHAT YOU SEE

A soliloquy.
All you might've given me.
Full words, stillborn.
Hit the air,
heartbeat never formed.
Breathed away
on the wind
Please stay, please, please
remember me.

Couldn't hurt you
if I wanted to
nor love you
if I chose.
Loose you
from my mind,
because-
return the love?
Mercy no
you might slip
the pose.

Cynical
is how you found me
and cynical is how I leave.
Who does this,
who deals with it-
please please, stay,
remember me, please-
And still stands
to face the world and fight
with not but a
tricky mask,
supposedly the armor of your bones,
and yet wait,
where are David's stones?

Funny though.
I understand.
And my heart
has died
each time.
One day
he will look at me,
my heart will gasp
stutter, and stay alive.
A dialogue. All that I need.
Even when more is given me.
For you
to see
what I see.

Don't push me away now...

Status at this very moment: Excited about the little things.

Biggest worry: Getting a job, a real job, and nothing but a job that will afford me the ability to live,AND eat, in NYC. Maybe to experience life some too. Oh, and some clothes. I like to be warm. Man, it's gonna be a coooold winter.

Constant mantra: You can come back, Kel. You can always come back.

Tear jerker: I'm a crier. Mostly when nobody can see me. And I'm ok with that. But man, I think I'm getting dehydrated. I pass the beach, *sniffle* see a bald eagle take to the sky, *lip smush* wake up to the sunshine flooding my room and wallow in the warmth as I stretch myself into consciousness and it's an hour before I get out of bed because I am in the clutches of yet another crying jag. At least I'm not one to run from true emotion.

And to you I say: Wait for it. It's coming.

My EYEBALLS hurt...

Man, I'm tired. And it makes me feel like such a slacker. Busy? Yes. Stressed? Well, a certain level follows me around regardless, doesn't it? Not sleeping much or well? Hard to when you can't turn off the faucet that is your brain. Even when I dream...

So ok, there are reasons to be tired but STILL. Comparatively (which is typically a dirty word to me) there are people out there (whom I respect and admire for their accomplishments, so it's kosher to judge myself against them occasionally) who deal with so much more and aren't reduced to a sniveling squint-eyed hurricane of a mess when face with a tad of adversity.

I get four hours of sleep, wake up, and think of all of the things I have to do, soon, including dragging my butt off to work in the travesty we call a restaurant, and I'm ready to start sucking my thumb again.

Yes, I know I am hard on myself. Strangely enough, I think this is what my personality lives for. Because I am thriving on it. All of this work will show results, and in the end I will be happier for having done it. Even if I cry a lot while I do it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to locate my pillowcase, aka, the "B".

OH MY GOD, there's more!
Feast or famine, folks. Feast or famine.

Nevermind that I am doing everything in my power to keep from doing what I'm supposed to do. I don't care what you say, there are skills that just come naturally to some people. As does procrastination to me. And damn, I'm good at it.

Is it in me to be patient with the immature ones? Am I so arrogant as the think that I am better, that I have it all figured out while they are just annoyingly lost and almost cute in their little dramas? Is this the attitude that come naturally to mind?

Yes. And then I remind 25 yr. old self that it wasn't two months ago that I was parading down the street at 3 AM in nothing but a bathrobe, on a mission that can only be described as petty and mean-spirited. Even though I was drunk, come on, that was stupid. Then I get to thinking of the time that I got into a fight in the parking lot of Dunes. Whoa, a whole load of wrist-slapping words come screaming to mind here- ummm...tacky, very un-classy, uncontrolled, demeaning, humiliating...a night which led me yet again to wandering my neighborhood alone during the wee hours of the morning. Well, at least I wasn't driving because that would be moronic, wouldn't it? No worries, that was my latest indiscretion of choice. because, when it comes right down to it, all of these things were choices. Bad ones. So I understand that I cannot control myself or my environment 100% of the time, and that I am woefully hard on myself when I do lose control. This makes me much less apt to leap into judgement of others after reviewing my track record of dumbness.

MY HAIR EATS STRAWS.
Um-hmmm, that's what I said.
Oh, and crab quesadilla make my belly MAD at me...

Being a responsible grown-up is what's going to kill me. Ironic, isn't it? Being a responsible grown-up is what kills just about everybody. And have you noticed that those who deny gtowing up seem younger and have more fun? Although, I guess it's all in your definition of fun. "Depth" and "meaningfulness" are increasingly more important to me. Apparently that's what gets us all in the end.

Finding the last card that my Gramie was physically able to sign her name to made me feel a lot of things. After I cried like a baby and poor-me'd over how much I miss her, I realized that her life was something that my life just might turn out to be - an outline for loved ones that we leave behind to follow. A blueprint from which I can trace shape into my own life and fill in the blanks with what is real to me. We all wallow around 80% of the time trying to figure out the meaning of our lives and the purpose that we are to fulfill while we are here. Maybe it's way too selfish to expect that we'll ever know what we've been sent here to accomplish. Maybe we are here to drop little pebbles behind us as we go for the next ones to follow. We may not reach the grandest scheme, if we're not meant to. But maybe we're paving a path for those that are.

Having said that, I'm perfectly ok with being way too selfish. I want the grandest scheme. I will always tilt my ear towards heaven for God's instructions, and doing so makes me expect to do big things. I can only hope to create a legacy that my children and grandchindren want to be a part of, just like my family has done for me.

And I'm learning how to do that from great people. I am humbled and envigored daily by my faith. My love is constantly tested but proves to be tempered steel...made stronger every time it's shoved into the fire. My friends amaze me with the lives that they are creating, the brazen way that they face life, and the love and faith that they invest in me. I promise that your investment is sound, and I will make you proud. My family inspires me with the understanding that there really are good people roaming this earth. No matter how much I question humankind I am cast to my knees when I look into my cousin's eyes and see pureness and hope and mischief, when I am in the prescence of the deep faith of my grandparents or the inate sense of honor, respect and commitment that my Mom and Dad posess in their lives.

So, I might never be a rock star or a rocket scientist or Secretary of State or Queen of the world, but it will be known that I was here. Even if I just have to make a really big sign that says "Kelly was here!" If it comes down to that, it is my constant prayer that there are little souls who are meant to come after me and reckon with the good that I swear is here to find.

That's the challenge, and God I love every minute of it.

A prayer:

KNOW NO BOUNDARIES. Just as you are:
on your knees, testing your wings.
imprisoned, struggling.
content, entirely free-
LIVE. Measure your heartbeat in whatever way you see fit. Make mistakes and be successful. Cry and laugh and stumble and dance. DO IT ALL.

And understand this. I will always be praying for you, thinking about you, knowing that you will do good things for this unintelligible place we call home. Don't doubt that I am here. My power is in my thoughts, my words, my soul. And I have decided that we will make it through this world together. Feel cherished, because you are and forever will be.

Amen.

Good-bye, wonderful woman. Thank you for the strength of your red.

STOP POKING THE BEAR, GOOFUS!!!

The meat of the issue, the very heart of the cow is that I am overcoming/have overcome a lot of issues. And I do mean ISSUES. But just because I have learned to put said brain glitches in their place doesn't mean that they don't pop full force out of their cage every now and again. 'Cause a cage still allows for the sound to escape. You can still see the little frights. They may be contained and unable to inflict as much damage as they used to, but it's not smart to let my soul 'round the cage that often. My soul has a tendency to poke the bear, even when occasionally it is unable to deal with the consequences.

"Oww! That HURT! But he seemed like such a nice bear. Nevermind he just bit the crap outta my arm, I should reach right through these bars and try to pet him again. Uh-oh! There went a finger! Poor guy. He's just misunderstood. I'd be mad if I was in a cage too. See! I understand you! So you should let me pet you, even though your low-rumbling growl indicates to me that you don't want me to. But you don't really know what you want, do you, you adorable little confused thing...well really, who needs both hands, anyway?"

My ability to see the bad and rationalize it away, forget it, overlook it...WHAT-ever, makes me prone to think that, even when I get treated like crap, there is always a REASON, dammit, and I should be understanding. So I focus on the good, and pine for the good, and never once realize that there also was not so very good. I can't let go because I can't see all of the wounds. Or for some reason, if I do see them, the wounds are not dire, and therefore I should be strong enough to deal with them.

Strong, STRONG, STRONG...you should be strong.

It's becoming increasingly apparent that I am strong and tolerant for all of the wrong things. Yeah, we're quite stinkin' surprised about that.

Of course I was drunk, silly goose. D'ya think I'd do such a thing sober?


I had an epiphany last night...but I forgot, 'round about the time that I was walking purposefully through the neighborhood at 3 AM in nothing but my bathrobe. Oh, and clutching a nasty reminder of how easily dupped I am. Waking this morning served me with a sober epiphany, and this one is sticking with me. This reminder that I thought was so cheap and fake was actually quite authentic upon inspection in the light of day, which led me to quite a few conclusions:

A. I'm a big fat jerk, not once or twice but continually
2. I am so convinced that certain things are out to get me, to trip me up and make me fall. I can be so suspicious and judgemental. When truly, in the light of day, all of the shadows that distracted me were never really there at all. I was making them up, maybe to protect myself, maybe b/c I'm conditioned, doesn't really matter when you get right down to it, huh?
III. It's time for me to get over this stuff

Anger simmers on my surface like an oil stain on blacktop on a hot summer day.

If you can't see me, as large, loud and full of life and contradictions as I am, then you are blind to what is good and real and I am sorry for what you have missed.

SAN FRANCISCO...

I am so tired. My body is sore because I am trying to train it ( and my mind and my mouth, yeah good luck with that) to focus on something new. Having said that, I feel that I must communicate something to you, the angels walking earth that I surround myself with.

Matt, I love you. You are such an inspiration to me, in that a lot of our struggles are parallel. I recognize you as a compadre in the battle to really and truly find who you are and be happy with that, instead of letting the mundane, drone world guide you. You are such a thinking/feeling person, and that is rare to find in a guy. So loving and intuitive, and then out pops the boy in you, just to remind us all that you are richly human and loving every minute of it, even the crap parts.

Alicia, Alicia, Alicia. Man, do I miss you. And yet, I don't. Because I know that no matter what, no matter how the friendship stretches and flexes and wanes and swells, you will always be there, as will I. I hope you understand that you are the first true person that I've been able to say that about confidently. It actually led me to meeting all of these other wonderful people. I am so very very proud of you and what you are trying to achieve.

Ashley, you and Matt are my examples of true men in this world. I'm happy with knowing you because we can be not perfect together "ooouuuu, you really said that?" or "Ashley, how old is she, really?" It's so wonderful for me to be able to say what I want and be who I am as a woman and have a man that I respect love me because of it, not inspite of it. It's neat to love you because of it all too.

Amber Lynn, so strong, so vibrant, so willing to love. My peace. My "Amber is here, I am able to breath again." I don't know if you see your strength and your hope yet, but it just radiates from you. Your smile gathers all of the light around you, and anybody in close proximity must understand that even if you are smiling through tears your message is "A challenge? Give it to me, I want it." You know you can do anything, right?

Mom. Mother. Ma. Just the fact that you ARE my friend makes me blissfully happy. How lucky am I? What praise to the gods should I be singing that would justify such a blessing? Little spitfire that you ate, your warmth is so apparent that even strangers in line at the grocery store recognize it. And you are my one and only. Your grace and willing smile know no bounds and they are figures that my soul rests on when everything else is gone. Good Lord that makes life special.

Jolie, just thinking of you makes me smile. I have never seen a woman with such a capacity to draw the people that she wants to her, and care about each one individually and with much gusto. I am in awe of your ability to read people, as a matter of fact, I aspire to have a fraction of your intuition. You have helped me open myself, and while sometimes it makes me raw, I am happy to be free. I want to create a renneisance woman within myself and to give to the world, and it is humbling to know a soul who already is one.

Shawn, the instiller of patience. I don't think I naturally have any, but I've found a lot by watching you. And such a mixture of true perfect womanhood: intelligent and strong, fun and witty, mother and friend and lover and just a damn real person who is not afraid of being that way. The attention that I get from you is truly a gift to me, when those dark, cracking eyes focus on me I know that even if I don't want to come out, you want to see the true me and have no time for the one that messes around. It makes me comfortable being who I really am, knowing you who I admire wants to see me.

Sam-mantha. The world exists for the sweetness of fun, and you will always remind me of that. The "party planner" the "clown" the "yep, life's a bitch, let's go have a cocktail or otherwise entertain ourselves, shall we?" You think so much and feel so much that it's amazing you don't explode. Once you get your feet underneath you, man, watch out. My only hope is that you'll stop sometime for happiness, 'cause I think when you grow wings that's the only thing that WILL slow you down.

I love you I love you I love you all so much, it is my pride and blessing to know you and I just wanted you each to know that.

This one goes out to all you Monkeys out there.
And the next time I try to deny my instincts, you all have my full permission to smack the stupid out of me.

My finger to the world, ok not so much the world but men (Matt, this is the bitterness coming out in a healthy way, sans BB gun, aren't we glad) is going to be a resoundingly witty comentary on my state of "affairs" from beginning to present. Some titles I threw around today: "How to Treat People, No Really, You Need to Learn", "Trials and Tribualtions of a Drama Queen", "Comments on the Three R's: Restaraunts, Retail, and Relationships," or by far the most laughable favorite "You Guys Suck : Here's why." It'll be an article publshed in some dreadful women's magazine, and damn if I shouldn't send it to every last one of "them", just for old time's sake. My promise to myself is that I will NOT be bitter, because that is letting unworthy people influence my life and don't ya know that ain't gonna happen to me. But I've got to get it all out of my system somehow and might as well have some fun and profit from it while I'm at it. I've always thought I should have been paid for my time anyway (yes I realize what that sounds like) if I'd have charged a therapist's rates I would have been rid of A1A ages ago and halfway through grad school by now.

I've been writing really, so unfolded below are pieces from the mish-mosh.

1/18/05
...The miracle of youth, I tell you. I ACTUALLY believe that I can, and WILL, do whatever I want to. Personally, professionally... So far though, I haven't been able to figure out what's stopping me.

STUPID INVISIBLE WALLS

I'm a virgo. I like these notebook lines. Pages with no lines stress me right the hell out. Nice little blue guiderails for me to follow. At the same time, the very same time, I want to obliterate the sons of bitches.
Write
OUT
of
order
IN RED
syawedis *um* <---- backwards?

The problem is, I don't want different if someone, anyone else, has done different. Not *good enough* for me dammit, if it is not starkly original. In this world, filled with billions of people - real, not real, fun, lame, hurting, happy, forward thinking, archaic, ALL OF THEM...I defeat myself, because, (stomp feet here) "well I could write in a spiral too, but some FLAKE whose smoked too much weed in order to 'free the' frikkin' 'mind' has already done it, winning a published book and all the accolaids that come from telling to box to pack up and head on down the road." My screw you to the universe is to not EVEN TRY.

Ewww, control yourself, you praise fed little recognition monster. Nobody but you cares why or how but you anymore, why doncha get over it and bust the way you really want to bust? Too...polite? Too...afraid?

you want people to feel your color.
gotta let go of it first.

Hell, gotta come out of the grey first. Fins some black and white. Be ok with the red of putting your foot down and standing up to it all, the blue of each unexoected voice, purple doubt, fuschia love, the purity of living life without fear.
----------------------

1/30/05
(blue pen) Good-bye, love-house. Thank you for taking care of me - shelter, peaceful porch, warm solace and all. I will miss you as my first. Good-bye, sturdy house to my clumsy body.
-----------------------

2/19/05
*Suddenly*

I feel sure that most of the blood has beensucked out of my BRAIN and is pumping furiously towwards my HEART-

It's taking too much room, consuming all of my energy, making it hard to see anything
else and I want it to stop beating or go back to normal.
--------------------

2/27/05
I want to dance, but I can't quite give up the heels yet, in some circumstances. I want to love, but fuck you if you want to track my heart, my soul, my being. I want to rage, but smile and hug you. I want it all and I want nothing. It's the same, right?
-----------------------

3/1/05
I am paralized with fright. Absolutely immoble. I can't stop thinking I can't get away from it I just want my mind to stop working.

3/2/02
I cherish that cookie.
Savor every bite.
Because, it was earned by my persistence and desire to be accepted by people that I respect,
by being myself
Not a chamelion
or a muse
who caters to
other
people's
whims.

There is more, but my eyelids keep trying to steal kisses from each other so I must leave this for now. As was expected, to be continued.